The Grasshopper and the Ant (was: better mouse trap)
Maher, Steve (SD-MS)
SMAHER at GI.COM
Thu Feb 5 19:28:00 MST 1998
At 10:06 PM 2/3/98 -0700, Jim Nantz wrote:
>Earlier today someone mentioned something about a better mouse trap and it
>reminded me of something I heard once.
>In 1994 a better mouse trap was invented. It never made it to market
>because of what happened after the inventor submitted it to the patent
>The PETA crowd complained that it would cause unnecessary pain and
>suffering when it killed the mice.
Here's a blast from the past, that this reminded me of:
THE GRASSHOPPER & THE ANT
The Original Version:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a
fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or
shelter so he dies out in the cold.
The New Liberal Version:
It starts out the same, but when winter comes, the shivering grasshopper
calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed
to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC, ABC
and CNN show up and provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to
film of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country
of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Then a
representative of the NAAGB (The National Association for the Advancement
of Green Bugs) shows up on NightLine and charges the ant with "Green Bias"
and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years
of greenism. Kermit the frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and
everybody cries when he sings "It's Not Easy Being Green."
Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening
News and tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can
for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those
who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it,
the "Temperatures of the 80's". Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview
with Peter Jennings that the Ant has gotten rich off the "back of the
grasshopper", and calls for an immediate tax hike on the Ant to make him
pay his "fair share".
Finally the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act",
RETROACTIVE to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to
hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay
his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Hillary
gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit
against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges
that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare moms who can only
hear cases on Thursday afternoon between 1:30 and 3:00 PM when there are no
talk shows scheduled.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the
ant's food while the government house he's in - which just happens to be
the ant's old house - crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to
maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the
grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Bill
Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of Democrats announcing
that a new era of "Fairness" has dawned in America.
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