Hammer Control

Pam Charles bluecalyptus at YAHOO.COM
Fri Jul 30 18:28:40 MDT 1999

Dennis (closet hammer runner) writ:

> > According to local news casts Mark Barton
> bludgeoned his wife and two
> > children to death with a hammer. This occurred
> before he drove to the
> > Buckhead area of Atlanta where he shot many
> victims killing 9 and
> > wounding 12. The hammer was the device that likely
> caused Burton to
> > become enraged and take his handguns into Atlanta
> to shoot innocent
> > people. Had he not had that hammer he probably
> would never have shot
> > those people nor of course beat his family to
> death.

If only this WERE true, but, alas! forensic scientists have now traced
the offending hardware BACK to a dog-collar. By following the "chain"
from the collar, investigators found that it (the chain) was attached
to a board on the side of the Barton house by way of a bent rusty nail.
Bowser's constant pulling on the collar, attached to the chain,
attached to the nail, attached to a board, attached to the house,
caused the bent nail to straighten out and also to loosen the board,
thus necessitating repairs, which only then necessitated the hammer.
When Lager-man Bart bashed his tumb several times in the ill-fated
repair attempt, his self-control snapped and was lost for the last and
fatal time.

Congressman Wexler, of Ditzie, FL, has already introduced a dog-collar
waiting period and registration bill in the House of Reprehensibles.
This dog-collar control bill requires dog-collar owners to obtain
dog-collar serial numbers, and to have them tatoo'd on the inside of
the right forearm. President Klinton took time out from his tour under
the bleachers of an all-girls' orphanage in KosovA to shed remorseful
tears. He shook his big silvery gorgeous head in lamenting all the
destruction caused by that one stinking studded piece of leather ...
that might actually look pretty fetching on Monica or Hillary or Janet.
Well, not Janet. He said the he really felt our pain this time, and
that Republicans ought to be ashamed of themselves.  Also today, Algore
stood with Sara Brady on the steps of NOG (National Organization of
Gunnophobes) in Berkley, CA, and decried the lack of scope in Wexler's
bill, and encouraged self-righteously indignant ruling elites
everywhere to extend sanctions and to pursue lawsuits against the
dog-collar industry death merchants, and America's careless
profit-hungry dog-chain manufactures.  The Southron Christian Poverty
Law Offcenter, joined the righteous crusade by filing torts agains ALL
nail makers and Wierhauser Lumber for their roles and marketing
violence aids throughout the land.

In a breaking development, DNA expert Lee Yuk-Ee of the Los Angeles
Police Department, suggested that the real cuase of the Atlanta tragedy
is really dog spermatazoa. Lee expalined that .....

Zzzzzzzz Pam
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