How to Handle Telemarketers

Charlie Darling csdarling at SNET.NET
Wed Nov 17 17:07:09 MST 1999

>At 07:21 PM 11/16/99 -0500, Susan Correll wrote:
...snip... this time next Tuesday, I will join the
>>ranks of the many homeowners in the US. ...snip...JAQ Wrote:

>        Congrats, Susan! However, you can expect to be bombarded by
>once the closing appears in the local paper. Don't answer the phone, okay?

>How to Handle Telemarketers
>1.  If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy
>and you could sure use some money.
>2.  If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to
>know?"  Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no
>one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is
>acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died ..."  When they try to
>get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.
>3.  If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their
>name.  Then ask them to spell the company name.  Then ask them where it is
>located.  Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their
>company for as long as necessary.
>4.  This works great if you are male:
>Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company ..."
>You:  Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you
>5.  Cry out in surprise, "Judy!  Is that you?  Oh my God!  Judy, how have
>you been?"  Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as
>she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
>6.  Say "No," over and over.  Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and
>keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak.  This is most fun
>if you can do it until they hang up.
>7.  If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends
>Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends
>... would you be my friend?"
>8.  If the company cleans rugs, respond:  "Can you get out blood?  Can you
>get out GOAT blood?  How about HUMAN blood?
>9.  After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you.
>When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your
>credit card number to a complete stranger.
>10.  Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often
>can't sell to employees.
>11.  Answer the phone.  As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the
>receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh my God!!!" and then hang up.
>12.  Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they
>will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back.  When the
>telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say
>"I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?"
>The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Hang up.
>13.  Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
>14.  Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put
>them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure.  Smack
>your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
>15.  Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they
>could bring you some beer.
>16.  Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
>17.  Tell the telemarketer, "Okay, I will listen to you.  But I should
>probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
>18.  Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke.
>"Come on Leon, cut it out!  Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
>19.  Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up ...
>louder ... louder ... louder ...
>20.  Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD

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