How to Handle Telemarketers
John A. Quayle
blueoval at SGI.NET
Wed Nov 17 18:36:25 MST 1999
Hilarious!!! And I used to be a telemarketer in the early '80s (selling a
then-brand new device called a car/cell phone)........
Phew! Glad I don't do *THAT* anymore!
At 07:07 PM 11/17/99 -0500, Charlie Darling wrote:
>>At 07:21 PM 11/16/99 -0500, Susan Correll wrote:
>...snip... this time next Tuesday, I will join the
>>>ranks of the many homeowners in the US. ...snip...JAQ Wrote:
>> Congrats, Susan! However, you can expect to be bombarded by
>>once the closing appears in the local paper. Don't answer the phone, okay?
>>AND FROM JOKE BARN ON THAT TOPIC:
>>How to Handle Telemarketers
>>1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy
>>and you could sure use some money.
>>2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to
>>know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no
>>one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is
>>acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died ..." When they try to
>>get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.
>>3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their
>>name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is
>>located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their
>>company for as long as necessary.
>>4. This works great if you are male:
>>Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company ..."
>>You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you
>>5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have
>>you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as
>>she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
>>6. Say "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and
>>keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun
>>if you can do it until they hang up.
>>7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends
>>Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends
>>... would you be my friend?"
>>8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you
>>get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?
>>9. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you.
>>When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your
>>credit card number to a complete stranger.
>>10. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often
>>can't sell to employees.
>>11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the
>>receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh my God!!!" and then hang up.
>>12. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they
>>will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the
>>telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say
>>"I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?"
>>The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Hang up.
>>13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
>>14. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put
>>them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack
>>your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
>>15. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they
>>could bring you some beer.
>>16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
>>17. Tell the telemarketer, "Okay, I will listen to you. But I should
>>probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
>>18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke.
>>"Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
>>19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up ...
>>louder ... louder ... louder ...
>>20. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD
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