Journey To The Center Of The Mind......
John A. Quayle
blueoval at SGI.NET
Tue Nov 23 22:00:46 MST 1999
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To: Outraged Recipients <updates at theoutrage.com>
From: The Outrage! <moderator at theoutrage.com>
Subject: THE BRAIN PROBE!
Date: Wednesday, November 24, 1999
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THE BRAIN PROBE!
Exciting News! Thanks to recent research at Harvard Universitys John F.
Kennedy School of Government and MITs Center for Applied Genetic
Research, were now able to trace the journey of a thought through the mind
of a government bureaucrat.
We plan on solving most of the worlds problems by following thoughts as
they are processed through the minds of the great thinkers of our
times. From this process, we hope to learn the higher wisdom that is only
apparent to the truly gifted academics and public servants of our times.
There are, of course, a whole host of issues that we, as members of the
great unwashed, fund incomprehensible. For instance, American taxpayers pay
billions of dollars to the US government, so it can in turn give
billions of dollars to international organizations like the IMF and the
World Bank. These international organizations then, in turn, give billions
in foreign aid to the corrupt leaders of, for instance, the Russian
government, who immediately send the money to off-shore bank accounts.
Sure, its easy enough to follow the money trail, but, in our stupendous
ignorance, we keep wondering exactly why American taxpayers continue to be
willing to aid Russian mobsters living in $1,300 a night hotel rooms in
Monaco. But Mother Outrage always told us to stick to sports, and leave the
thinking to the big people.
If youve ever taken the elevator into the depths of a coal mine, you
have some feel for the experience of exploring a bureaucrats cranium.
Initial research on a number of leading bureaucrats has found vast spaces
of emptiness, with small bright candles of envy and malice burning in the
dusty nooks. Sometimes the chamber goes completely dark, and the probes are
left to wonder aimlessly and send back All is darkness, all is darkness!
But enough generalities; good research is more fact than theory, so
weve decided to start our explorations with a simple journey. In todays
case we seek to determine whats going on in the dark mental halls of the
Boston Housing Authority and the Boston City Council. Since the probes were
developed in Boston, and we have a very limited probe travel allowance, we
thought it made sense to start with a local case.
In May, a tenant of Bostons subsidized housing, Rachel Marshall,
assaulted another tenant, Teresa Cortes. Marshall pushed Cortes up against
a wall, injuring her hand, and also allegedly called her some nasty names
having to do with the fact that Cortes is Hispanic. (Marshall is white.) Of
course, America being America, and Boston being Boston, Marshall was given
endless opportunities to be nice and make up. But she didnt show up for at
least one court appearance, and was unwilling to sign a letter affirming
her responsibilities as a tenant. After much ado, she was finally evicted.
Were not going to send the probes into Marshalls brain; remember that the
probes were developed, at great expense, to explore the brains of the best
and the brightest.
A tenant eviction from subsidized housing in hardly news yet, forsome
reason, this particular eviction attracted the attention of the famed
Boston City Council. (Which, incidentally, Lenin reportedly used as a model
for the Politburo.) Marshall appealed to City Council President James Kelly
for help, and this is the stage at which the brain probes become useful.
Before we get to send the probes inside Kellys head, we thought we
might inquire as to why federal, state and city governments feel it is
necessary to take money from productive people in order to house women who
give birth, repeatedly, to illegitimate children. We thought that if you
wished to discourage an action, you punished, rather than rewarded, that
action. But we didnt go to Harvard. Marshall had two such children.
(Wheres the father? Who knows? Who cares? Fathers are so passé.) Earlier
this year Marshalls second child, a baby, was shaken to death. Supposedly
the killer was Marshalls live-in boyfriend. (Was he punished? Who knows?
Who cares? Punishment is so passé.) And this is the point at which we
launch the brain probe into the head of Boston City Council President James
The probe has a patented reasoning agent that follows thoughts through
the political mind. As the probe enters Kellys mind we find a vague
morass of sentiment, ego, and vanity. His databanks are filled with
unconnected, contradictory thoughts about doing good, buying new car
for wife, renting apartment for mistress, public trust, pastrami for
lunch today?, improving public schools, finding good private school
for son, etc. Thanks to the miracles of modern technology, the brain
probe can follow the exact sequence of thought within any given thought
module. Here goes:
- Marshall was so criminally irresponsible as to have two illegitimate
children which she cant support, and to allow one of the children to die
at the hands of her boyfriend.
Therefore: Marshall is a good person, deserving of sympathy.
- Marshall assaulted another tenant in public housing project.
Therefore: City should pay for an expensive lawyer to defend Marshall, and
prevent her eviction.
However, the high-profile attorney failed to prevent Marshalls eviction.
Now we go someplace even murkier into the minds of the people running the
Boston Housing Authority:
- Marshall was given housing at public expense. Marshall assaulted fellow
tenant. Marshall did not cooperate in keeping her housing despite many
opportunities. Marshall was finally evicted from public housing, and:
THEREFORE: (and even the brain probe was stunned by this one) Marshall
should spend a few nights, at taxpayer expense, in one of the citys most
expensive hotels the four star Eliot Hotel.
At this point the brain probe began sparking and self-destructing, as it
sought the logic of putting Marshall up, for $1,350 for 3 nights, and then
$350 for 2 nights at Holiday Inn. ($175 a night for a Holiday Inn? Please
Not to mention the $50 a day food allowance. Of course, there was a logic,
but it was the special kind of logic found only in government.
We didnt need the brain probe for a dazzling explanation; weve got
Robin Bavaro, Mayor Thomas Meninos press secretary. Shes been penalized
for her actions for being evicted. But the mayor doesnt want to see her
left on the street. Of course, this statement was a job for the brain probe:
Fact: The city has decided, through its long legal process, that Marshall
is not worthy of the citys basic charity, in the form of subsidized housing.
Therefore: She should be put up at a four-star hotel.
Even James Kelly, Marshalls champion, could not quite understand the
twisted logic of the case: There is something wrong with the mentality
of the Boston Housing Authority, that several hours after they evict her
from her apartment, which probably costs much less than the per diem
charges at the Eliot, they put her up there Friday, Saturday, and Sunday
evening said Kelly.
However, we think Boston is on to a brilliant strategy. In the future,
if someone is convicted of stealing a Chevrolet, the state should give them
a Ferrari. Child molesters should be given well-paid jobs as elementary
school teachers. Kafka would be proud.
Who knows how far we can take this entertaining policy. Perhaps one day
well make a draft dodger Commander-in-Chief or pay farmers to grow
nothing at all or subsidize legal education to produce even more
parasites or tax people so much that they cant save for retirement, and
call it social security or invade countries we cant pronounce and call
it defense whatever great ideas are on the horizon, rest assured that,
with the help of the brain probe, The Outrage will be here to explain the
better, higher, reasoning of the best and the brightest members of the
Whats the next mission for the brain probe? Have you ever wondered what a
politician could possibly be thinking? Give us a suggestion for the
brain probes next journey:
Read what others have to say:
READ ALL ABOUT IT!
To read about the higher living standards of public housing tenants see:
To find more Outrageous examples of Bungling Bureaucrats see:
Because of the flucuational predispositions of your positions
productive capacity as juxtaposed to government standards, it would be
momentarily injudicious to advocate an increment.
- Secretary of State Alexander Haig speaking to an aide. Is he turning
him down for a raise?
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Thanks for listening, and stay outraged!
Copyright 1999, The Outrage
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