Well, Here's One Man's Opinion On The Clinton TV Show......
John A. Quayle
blueoval at SGI.NET
Fri Jan 28 06:43:19 MST 2000
Reply-To: Liberty-and-Justice at mailbox.by.net
Rape of the Union Address Report
by Jefferson Adams
AP (Associated Potatoes) - Tonight I had the honor
of watching the annual Rape of the Union Address
on television (which was strapped down to my
entertainment center, due to the torque put
on it by the CNN commentators' pre-address spin).
As the commentators finished their bipartisan and
tolerant commentary, the first lady (and I use the
term so loosely it almost slipped out of my keyboard
while typing this) of what's left of the United
States (FLOTUS) marched gayly down the aisle,
closely followed by what appeared at first glance
to be an upright cocker spaniel in a dress, but
whom I quickly and shrewdly determined to be, in
fact, the first daughter (DOTPAFLOTUS).
Immediately following FLOTUS and DOTPAFLOTUS,
Strom Thurmond floated down the aisle, his
feet approximately 2 inches above the floor,
wearing a black cape. Directly behind Count
Thurmond was Attorney General Janet Reno,
resplendent in blue, with little wisps of sulfuric-
smelling smoke occasionally erupting from her ears
And then the Big Moment we'd all been waiting for
suddenly erupted upon us, much like when you've
had a few too many beers and a whole bag of Doritos:
As the Representatives of Socialist Party A
and Socialist Party B applauded wildly, William
Jefferson Blythe Lipbiter Clinton, the president of
what's left of the United States (POTUS) skipped
merrily down the aisle between the Vast Right Wing
Conspiracy side and the Save the Global Whales
side of the House of Representatives, handing
out cigars to the Representatives on both sides of
the aisle, as he hummed what sounded from a distance
remarkably like the theme song to Gilligan's Island.
It was interesting to see how many of the
Representatives sniffed their cigars before sticking
them into their pockets...
Immediately behind the president came a troop of
Girl Scouts, wearing chastity belts one and all,
and sweeping up what appeared to be some kind of
slimy substance into buckets carried by obviously
homosexual Boy Scouts. Tolerance was evident
as far as the eye could see, and a spirit of gayety
was in the air.
POTUS stopped occasionally during his trip down the
aisle to kiss some of the more attractive
Representatives and fondle their body parts if it
appeared the cameras wouldn't be able to catch him.
As the Prez reached the platform, and as the thunderous
applause began to die down, William Jefferson Blythe
Lipbiter Clinton exhorted the attendees, as well as
the viewing audience at home, that "Never before has
such prosperity and wonderfulness gripped America.
We have the lowest unemployment, the least poverty,
and the highest number of female White House interns
in the history of our country. My fellow Americans -
the state of the union is the strongest it's ever
More thunderous applause, and a sly wink from
POTUS proceeded to outline how we've succeeded in
replacing outmoded ideologies, like that quaint
religion, "Christianity." He also proudly announced
that, in the last 10 minutes alone, the Brady Bill
has kept over 13 million criminals from buying
Assault Weapons. With a smile broadly but smugly
ensconced on his presidential features, POTUS
proclaimed that we've ended welfare, as we know it,
and gotten rid of fleas too, just for good measure.
At this point, the Speaker of the House,
What's His Name, noticed that Algore was growing
into his chair and reached over and pulled his
"limbs" back out of the upholstery.
Herr Prezident challenged Congress to pass a Real
Patient's Bill of Rights, as the camera panned to
Ted Kennedy, who appeared to be as dead as
Mary Jo Kopechne.
His Kingliness then pontificated briefly on how
we've just got to have Common Sense Gun
Legislation passed; enough is enough.
On the subject of education, the president insisted
that we need a 21st-Century Revolution. With our new
budget surplus, we will hire 100 million new teachers.
And every classroom needs to be connected to the
internet; how else will our inner city chilrun learn
to surf the web? And we've got to get chilrun out of
trailers - like the one Paula Jones lives in - and
The president then thanked Tipper Gore for heading up
Mental Health Care, which her husband invented.
Henry Waxman and Richard Gephardt looked confused, and
not a little mentally unhealthy, as the camera panned
across their so-called faces.
William Jefferson Blythe Lipbiter Clinton then pointed
out, in tears, sackcloth and ashes, that 1 in 3 children
in the inner city grows up without a father. With this,
he pointed to Carlos Rosas Rodriquez Mendez-Lopez in the
audience, who had decided to support his 19 children from
17 different women after all; as Mendez-Lopez rose, he
was greeted with roaring applause, as befits a national
hero of his caliber and stature.
Wiping a tear from each eye, Billy Jeff wailed that
nobody in America believes that we're safe enough yet,
even with those 100,000 federally-financed with a little
help from you and me the taxpayers new cops on the
street. So the president asked congress to fund the
hiring of 50 million more police, in black uniforms
and black ski masks. Submachineguns will be extra,
he noted, but we'll pay for that out of our budget
surplus. If it saves only one life.
Speaking of crime, killing and guns, POTUS said the
word "Columbine," and everyone on both sides of the
aisle began to cry. After most of the tears were
wiped and most of the noses blown (no, not THAT kind
of "blow," that's later in the Oval Office, and special
invited guests only), the president asked Tom Mauser
(no relation to the inventer of the Mauser rifle) to
stand. Tom's son was among those killed at Columbine,
but by God, he's dedicating his life now to stamping
out Evil Guns. And he looked serious about it, too.
POTUS, continuing cheerfully on in the spirit of
Antichrist, said that we've got to hire more ATF agents,
and we've got to supply them with the tools they need
for raiding churches and homes at 3:00 AM - he's asking
congress to fund high technology enforcement tools, such
as F-16 fighter planes and backpack nukes. The
president pointed out that if the ATF had had
portable nuclear devices in 1993, it would have saved
the United States and Janet Reno two months of agony
and a lot of wasted federal dollars at Waco, Texas.
Moving on to the Global scene, his highness pointed out
that we really don't know for sure exactly WHAT China
and Russia are going to do, so the best thing for us
to do is to continue to dismantle the military and
replace all the current soldiers with homosexuals.
"America has got to be a beacon to the rest of the
world," the president effused, "and tolerance is the
key. And we'll kill any religious nuts that don't
reach a consensus with us on this."
"Besides," he said with a smarmy smile, "our gay
men and women in uniform have written to personally
tell me how much they like wearing those positively
darling blue berets."
At this point, the Joint Chiefs of Staff stood up,
curtseyed, and gave the prez a wink.
POTUS stated that he and Algore have saved the
environment, which, incidentally, Algore invented.
But it's not enough. Just a few weeks ago, on behalf
of Americans everywhere, he personally seized
50 million acres of land near the Grand Canyon - "But
that's just a start," he said. "We can't stop until
every square inch of American soil, plus your houses
and businesses, and even your children, are wholly
owned by the United Nations. And with the budget
surplus we've created, I'm asking Congress to fund
Well, frankly, it went on and on from there, but I
sorta slipped into a snooze, and awoke just as the
President was talking about how the feral government
is going to ensure the privacy of every American
citizen by installing backdoors into all software
written by Microsoft and by personally holding
the encryption keys to all digital encoding.
And to make sure that our privacy is insured, the
2000 census will create a database of all American
citizens, with lots of personal data that can only
be accessed by the president, the attorney general,
Hillary, Chelsea, various and sundry aides, and the
states of California and New York.
"In summary," said POTUS, "we live in a Brave New World,
teetering on the top of a mountain of deceit and
government scum and villainy, and it looks like it's
gonna get worse before it gets better."
Oh. I think I dreamed that part.
Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom
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