Philosphy For The New Millenium

John A. Quayle blueoval at SGI.NET
Mon Jan 31 23:57:52 MST 2000


Subject: Philosophy 101

1) Never raise your hands to a kid. It leaves your groin unprotected.
2) I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain; no pain.
3) I am in shape. Round's a shape...
4) I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore
helmets.
5) Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet
soup?
6) I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

7) Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
8) Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
9) You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles
a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we have no idea where she is.
10) I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock
every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there
picking the locks, they are always locking three.
11) The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
12) Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain
all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should
get rid of the body before you do the wash.
13) I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always
say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my
mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
14) A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
"You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in
a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have
to kill you too."
15) Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library, the
James Carter Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult
Bookstore.



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