WS>>Visiting Gore Calls Pennsylvania 'A Hellhole'

carl william spitzer iv cwsiv_2nd at JUNO.COM
Mon Oct 9 18:59:10 MDT 2000

          ALTOONA, PA--During a campaign stop at an Altoona paper
     mill Monday, presidential contender Al Gore launched into an
     unexpected 40-minute tirade against the "not-so-great  state
     of  Pennsylvania," calling it "the nation's armpit"  and  "a
     total hellhole."

          "Over the past few days, I have traveled all over  your
     state and met many of you.   And what has impressed me  most
     is  that no matter where I have gone, my reaction  has  been
     the same: 'Oh, God, get me the fuck out of this dump,'" said
     Gore,  who alternately referred to the Keystone  State's  12
     million  residents as "animals" and "ghouls."  "From  Pitts-
     burgh  to Philadelphia, from Erie to Easton, the places  and
     faces  of Pennsylvania stand in direct opposition to  every-
     thing that makes America great."

          Gore went on to tell the assembled mill workers that he
     "couldn't care less" if he loses Pennsylvania's 23 electoral
     votes, so long as he "never [has] to set foot in this steam-
     ing dungheap again."

          Raising  his  voice  and pointing at  the  crowd,  Gore
     continued:  "During this presidential campaign, I  have  had
     the  opportunity to criss-cross this great land.    At  each
     stop along the way, I have been deeply touched by the  cour-
     age and conviction of the American people.   But, holy crap,
     you  people  are craven, gutless cowards.    I  haven't  the
     slightest  clue what base and hideous interests of  yours  I
     could  possibly  defend as your next president.   I  do  not
     even vaguely know what drives you subhuman pig-men, but I am
     sure I don't want to know."

          Later in the day, Gore made an appearance at the Johns-
     town  Agriculture Fair, at which he served as judge  in  the
     Sorghum  Queen pageant.   The vice-president  was  overheard
     making  numerous inflammatory comments  off-microphone,  in-
     cluding,  "Get  these  bitches out of here"  and,  "This  is
     someone's  idea  of an attractive  woman?"  One  contestant,
     attempting  to  present Gore with a bushel  of  Pennsylvania
     apples, was reportedly waved aside with the words, "No.   No
     fucking way."

          Gore concluded his day on the steps of the State  Capi-
     tol  in Harrisburg, where he lowered the Pennsylvania  flag,
     shredded it with a large hunting knife, and urinated on  the
     shreds.   He then delivered a speech in which he shared  the
     tales  of numerous Pennsylvanians he had encountered  during
     his travels through the state.

          "Of all the stories I have heard on this trip, none has
     touched  me more deeply than that of Karen Swendeman of  New
     Castle," Gore said.   "At the young age of 18, Karen married
     her high-school sweetheart Jeff.   Not long after, she  gave
     birth to twins.   But less than a year later, her joy turned
     to  the  deepest  grief when Jeff was killed  in  a  foundry
     accident.    As young Karen looked into my eyes and  whined,
     'Oh, Mr.   Gore, I can't afford this, I can't afford  that,'
     I  felt my very gorge rising up the back of my  throat.    I
     mean, why do Pennsylvania's stupid broads go and get knocked
     up like that?"

          Continued  Gore: "I also recall Herman Eisler of  Ship-
     pensburg,  who  fought bravely in the Second World  War  and
     raised  a  family in a house he built  himself.    When  the
     Social  Security  Administration failed  Herman--because,  I
     don't  know, he needed some pills or something and  couldn't
     get  them--he turned into a bitter, pathetic shell of a  man
     that no one could stand to be around.   What a loser."

          "And,  finally, I recall Philadelphia's Martin  Shaugh-
     nessy, who, at the ripe old age of 98, has been Independence
     Hall's  caretaker for the past 60 years--the longest  anyone
     has  held the auspicious post," Gore said.    "And,  between
     you  and me, that old crank will talk for 10 hours  straight
     if  you  let him and not say anything that makes  any  sense
     whatsoever.   That dude is senile, big-time."

          Added  Gore, "And what's the big deal with the  cheese-
     steak  sandwiches?  They taste like shit.   I wouldn't  feed
     them to the dogs they're probably made out of."

          Turning to sneer derisively at members of the  Mononga-
     hela  Drum & Bugle Corps, whose 225 members stood nearby  on
     the  steps  of the capitol, Gore wrapped up the  verbal  as-

          "Every  second I spend in this dark and evil  state  is
     sheer agony," he said.   "A second feels like a week in  the
     presence  of you monstrous non-people.   I would  have  left
     Pennsylvania  long ago, but I wanted every last one  of  you
     grubby, ass-faced animals to realize exactly where you stand
     in the food chain.   You are not a part of that chain.   You
     exist  outside of the human community, and when I am in  the
     White House, I will make sure that the whole nation--indeed,
     the world--understands that fact with no ambiguity.   I will
     not  represent you.   I will not defend you.   I will  allow
     and even invite any nation to invade and destroy this horri-
     ble  graveyard of the soul.   To hell with all of  you,  and
     good riddance."

          )  Copyright  2000 Onion, Inc.,  All  rights  reserved.  Ad  Info | Copyright  )  Copyright
     2000 Onion, Inc., All rights reserved.

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