WS>>Visiting Gore Calls Pennsylvania 'A Hellhole'
carl william spitzer iv
cwsiv_2nd at JUNO.COM
Mon Oct 9 18:59:10 MDT 2000
ALTOONA, PA--During a campaign stop at an Altoona paper
mill Monday, presidential contender Al Gore launched into an
unexpected 40-minute tirade against the "not-so-great state
of Pennsylvania," calling it "the nation's armpit" and "a
"Over the past few days, I have traveled all over your
state and met many of you. And what has impressed me most
is that no matter where I have gone, my reaction has been
the same: 'Oh, God, get me the fuck out of this dump,'" said
Gore, who alternately referred to the Keystone State's 12
million residents as "animals" and "ghouls." "From Pitts-
burgh to Philadelphia, from Erie to Easton, the places and
faces of Pennsylvania stand in direct opposition to every-
thing that makes America great."
Gore went on to tell the assembled mill workers that he
"couldn't care less" if he loses Pennsylvania's 23 electoral
votes, so long as he "never [has] to set foot in this steam-
ing dungheap again."
Raising his voice and pointing at the crowd, Gore
continued: "During this presidential campaign, I have had
the opportunity to criss-cross this great land. At each
stop along the way, I have been deeply touched by the cour-
age and conviction of the American people. But, holy crap,
you people are craven, gutless cowards. I haven't the
slightest clue what base and hideous interests of yours I
could possibly defend as your next president. I do not
even vaguely know what drives you subhuman pig-men, but I am
sure I don't want to know."
Later in the day, Gore made an appearance at the Johns-
town Agriculture Fair, at which he served as judge in the
Sorghum Queen pageant. The vice-president was overheard
making numerous inflammatory comments off-microphone, in-
cluding, "Get these bitches out of here" and, "This is
someone's idea of an attractive woman?" One contestant,
attempting to present Gore with a bushel of Pennsylvania
apples, was reportedly waved aside with the words, "No. No
Gore concluded his day on the steps of the State Capi-
tol in Harrisburg, where he lowered the Pennsylvania flag,
shredded it with a large hunting knife, and urinated on the
shreds. He then delivered a speech in which he shared the
tales of numerous Pennsylvanians he had encountered during
his travels through the state.
"Of all the stories I have heard on this trip, none has
touched me more deeply than that of Karen Swendeman of New
Castle," Gore said. "At the young age of 18, Karen married
her high-school sweetheart Jeff. Not long after, she gave
birth to twins. But less than a year later, her joy turned
to the deepest grief when Jeff was killed in a foundry
accident. As young Karen looked into my eyes and whined,
'Oh, Mr. Gore, I can't afford this, I can't afford that,'
I felt my very gorge rising up the back of my throat. I
mean, why do Pennsylvania's stupid broads go and get knocked
up like that?"
Continued Gore: "I also recall Herman Eisler of Ship-
pensburg, who fought bravely in the Second World War and
raised a family in a house he built himself. When the
Social Security Administration failed Herman--because, I
don't know, he needed some pills or something and couldn't
get them--he turned into a bitter, pathetic shell of a man
that no one could stand to be around. What a loser."
"And, finally, I recall Philadelphia's Martin Shaugh-
nessy, who, at the ripe old age of 98, has been Independence
Hall's caretaker for the past 60 years--the longest anyone
has held the auspicious post," Gore said. "And, between
you and me, that old crank will talk for 10 hours straight
if you let him and not say anything that makes any sense
whatsoever. That dude is senile, big-time."
Added Gore, "And what's the big deal with the cheese-
steak sandwiches? They taste like shit. I wouldn't feed
them to the dogs they're probably made out of."
Turning to sneer derisively at members of the Mononga-
hela Drum & Bugle Corps, whose 225 members stood nearby on
the steps of the capitol, Gore wrapped up the verbal as-
"Every second I spend in this dark and evil state is
sheer agony," he said. "A second feels like a week in the
presence of you monstrous non-people. I would have left
Pennsylvania long ago, but I wanted every last one of you
grubby, ass-faced animals to realize exactly where you stand
in the food chain. You are not a part of that chain. You
exist outside of the human community, and when I am in the
White House, I will make sure that the whole nation--indeed,
the world--understands that fact with no ambiguity. I will
not represent you. I will not defend you. I will allow
and even invite any nation to invade and destroy this horri-
ble graveyard of the soul. To hell with all of you, and
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