WS>>Visiting Gore Calls Pennsylvania 'A Hellhole'

Richard A Whitenight rum.runner at JUNO.COM
Mon Oct 9 22:39:52 MDT 2000

Now this is what I call excellent satire :-)

On Mon, 9 Oct 2000 17:59:10 PDT carl william spitzer iv
<cwsiv_2nd at JUNO.COM> writes:
>           ALTOONA, PA--During a campaign stop at an Altoona paper
>      mill Monday, presidential contender Al Gore launched into an
>      unexpected 40-minute tirade against the "not-so-great  state
>      of  Pennsylvania," calling it "the nation's armpit"  and  "a
>      total hellhole."
>           "Over the past few days, I have traveled all over  your
>      state and met many of you.   And what has impressed me  most
>      is  that no matter where I have gone, my reaction  has  been
>      the same: 'Oh, God, get me the fuck out of this dump,'" said
>      Gore,  who alternately referred to the Keystone  State's  12
>      million  residents as "animals" and "ghouls."  "From  Pitts-
>      burgh  to Philadelphia, from Erie to Easton, the places  and
>      faces  of Pennsylvania stand in direct opposition to  every-
>      thing that makes America great."
>           Gore went on to tell the assembled mill workers that he
>      "couldn't care less" if he loses Pennsylvania's 23 electoral
>      votes, so long as he "never [has] to set foot in this steam-
>      ing dungheap again."
>           Raising  his  voice  and pointing at  the  crowd,  Gore
>      continued:  "During this presidential campaign, I  have  had
>      the  opportunity to criss-cross this great land.    At  each
>      stop along the way, I have been deeply touched by the  cour-
>      age and conviction of the American people.   But, holy crap,
>      you  people  are craven, gutless cowards.    I  haven't  the
>      slightest  clue what base and hideous interests of  yours  I
>      could  possibly  defend as your next president.   I  do  not
>      even vaguely know what drives you subhuman pig-men, but I am
>      sure I don't want to know."
>           Later in the day, Gore made an appearance at the Johns-
>      town  Agriculture Fair, at which he served as judge  in  the
>      Sorghum  Queen pageant.   The vice-president  was  overheard
>      making  numerous inflammatory comments  off-microphone,  in-
>      cluding,  "Get  these  bitches out of here"  and,  "This  is
>      someone's  idea  of an attractive  woman?"  One  contestant,
>      attempting  to  present Gore with a bushel  of  Pennsylvania
>      apples, was reportedly waved aside with the words, "No.   No
>      fucking way."
>           Gore concluded his day on the steps of the State  Capi-
>      tol  in Harrisburg, where he lowered the Pennsylvania  flag,
>      shredded it with a large hunting knife, and urinated on  the
>      shreds.   He then delivered a speech in which he shared  the
>      tales  of numerous Pennsylvanians he had encountered  during
>      his travels through the state.
>           "Of all the stories I have heard on this trip, none has
>      touched  me more deeply than that of Karen Swendeman of  New
>      Castle," Gore said.   "At the young age of 18, Karen married
>      her high-school sweetheart Jeff.   Not long after, she  gave
>      birth to twins.   But less than a year later, her joy turned
>      to  the  deepest  grief when Jeff was killed  in  a  foundry
>      accident.    As young Karen looked into my eyes and  whined,
>      'Oh, Mr.   Gore, I can't afford this, I can't afford  that,'
>      I  felt my very gorge rising up the back of my  throat.    I
>      mean, why do Pennsylvania's stupid broads go and get knocked
>      up like that?"
>           Continued  Gore: "I also recall Herman Eisler of  Ship-
>      pensburg,  who  fought bravely in the Second World  War  and
>      raised  a  family in a house he built  himself.    When  the
>      Social  Security  Administration failed  Herman--because,  I
>      don't  know, he needed some pills or something and  couldn't
>      get  them--he turned into a bitter, pathetic shell of a  man
>      that no one could stand to be around.   What a loser."
>           "And,  finally, I recall Philadelphia's Martin  Shaugh-
>      nessy, who, at the ripe old age of 98, has been Independence
>      Hall's  caretaker for the past 60 years--the longest  anyone
>      has  held the auspicious post," Gore said.    "And,  between
>      you  and me, that old crank will talk for 10 hours  straight
>      if  you  let him and not say anything that makes  any  sense
>      whatsoever.   That dude is senile, big-time."
>           Added  Gore, "And what's the big deal with the  cheese-
>      steak  sandwiches?  They taste like shit.   I wouldn't  feed
>      them to the dogs they're probably made out of."
>           Turning to sneer derisively at members of the  Mononga-
>      hela  Drum & Bugle Corps, whose 225 members stood nearby  on
>      the  steps  of the capitol, Gore wrapped up the  verbal  as-
>      sault.
>           "Every  second I spend in this dark and evil  state  is
>      sheer agony," he said.   "A second feels like a week in  the
>      presence  of you monstrous non-people.   I would  have  left
>      Pennsylvania  long ago, but I wanted every last one  of  you
>      grubby, ass-faced animals to realize exactly where you stand
>      in the food chain.   You are not a part of that chain.   You
>      exist  outside of the human community, and when I am in  the
>      White House, I will make sure that the whole nation--indeed,
>      the world--understands that fact with no ambiguity.   I will
>      not  represent you.   I will not defend you.   I will  allow
>      and even invite any nation to invade and destroy this horri-
>      ble  graveyard of the soul.   To hell with all of  you,  and
>      good riddance."
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