WS>>Visiting Gore Calls Pennsylvania 'A Hellhole'
Richard A Whitenight
rum.runner at JUNO.COM
Mon Oct 9 22:39:52 MDT 2000
Now this is what I call excellent satire :-)
On Mon, 9 Oct 2000 17:59:10 PDT carl william spitzer iv
<cwsiv_2nd at JUNO.COM> writes:
> ALTOONA, PA--During a campaign stop at an Altoona paper
> mill Monday, presidential contender Al Gore launched into an
> unexpected 40-minute tirade against the "not-so-great state
> of Pennsylvania," calling it "the nation's armpit" and "a
> total hellhole."
> "Over the past few days, I have traveled all over your
> state and met many of you. And what has impressed me most
> is that no matter where I have gone, my reaction has been
> the same: 'Oh, God, get me the fuck out of this dump,'" said
> Gore, who alternately referred to the Keystone State's 12
> million residents as "animals" and "ghouls." "From Pitts-
> burgh to Philadelphia, from Erie to Easton, the places and
> faces of Pennsylvania stand in direct opposition to every-
> thing that makes America great."
> Gore went on to tell the assembled mill workers that he
> "couldn't care less" if he loses Pennsylvania's 23 electoral
> votes, so long as he "never [has] to set foot in this steam-
> ing dungheap again."
> Raising his voice and pointing at the crowd, Gore
> continued: "During this presidential campaign, I have had
> the opportunity to criss-cross this great land. At each
> stop along the way, I have been deeply touched by the cour-
> age and conviction of the American people. But, holy crap,
> you people are craven, gutless cowards. I haven't the
> slightest clue what base and hideous interests of yours I
> could possibly defend as your next president. I do not
> even vaguely know what drives you subhuman pig-men, but I am
> sure I don't want to know."
> Later in the day, Gore made an appearance at the Johns-
> town Agriculture Fair, at which he served as judge in the
> Sorghum Queen pageant. The vice-president was overheard
> making numerous inflammatory comments off-microphone, in-
> cluding, "Get these bitches out of here" and, "This is
> someone's idea of an attractive woman?" One contestant,
> attempting to present Gore with a bushel of Pennsylvania
> apples, was reportedly waved aside with the words, "No. No
> fucking way."
> Gore concluded his day on the steps of the State Capi-
> tol in Harrisburg, where he lowered the Pennsylvania flag,
> shredded it with a large hunting knife, and urinated on the
> shreds. He then delivered a speech in which he shared the
> tales of numerous Pennsylvanians he had encountered during
> his travels through the state.
> "Of all the stories I have heard on this trip, none has
> touched me more deeply than that of Karen Swendeman of New
> Castle," Gore said. "At the young age of 18, Karen married
> her high-school sweetheart Jeff. Not long after, she gave
> birth to twins. But less than a year later, her joy turned
> to the deepest grief when Jeff was killed in a foundry
> accident. As young Karen looked into my eyes and whined,
> 'Oh, Mr. Gore, I can't afford this, I can't afford that,'
> I felt my very gorge rising up the back of my throat. I
> mean, why do Pennsylvania's stupid broads go and get knocked
> up like that?"
> Continued Gore: "I also recall Herman Eisler of Ship-
> pensburg, who fought bravely in the Second World War and
> raised a family in a house he built himself. When the
> Social Security Administration failed Herman--because, I
> don't know, he needed some pills or something and couldn't
> get them--he turned into a bitter, pathetic shell of a man
> that no one could stand to be around. What a loser."
> "And, finally, I recall Philadelphia's Martin Shaugh-
> nessy, who, at the ripe old age of 98, has been Independence
> Hall's caretaker for the past 60 years--the longest anyone
> has held the auspicious post," Gore said. "And, between
> you and me, that old crank will talk for 10 hours straight
> if you let him and not say anything that makes any sense
> whatsoever. That dude is senile, big-time."
> Added Gore, "And what's the big deal with the cheese-
> steak sandwiches? They taste like shit. I wouldn't feed
> them to the dogs they're probably made out of."
> Turning to sneer derisively at members of the Mononga-
> hela Drum & Bugle Corps, whose 225 members stood nearby on
> the steps of the capitol, Gore wrapped up the verbal as-
> "Every second I spend in this dark and evil state is
> sheer agony," he said. "A second feels like a week in the
> presence of you monstrous non-people. I would have left
> Pennsylvania long ago, but I wanted every last one of you
> grubby, ass-faced animals to realize exactly where you stand
> in the food chain. You are not a part of that chain. You
> exist outside of the human community, and when I am in the
> White House, I will make sure that the whole nation--indeed,
> the world--understands that fact with no ambiguity. I will
> not represent you. I will not defend you. I will allow
> and even invite any nation to invade and destroy this horri-
> ble graveyard of the soul. To hell with all of you, and
> good riddance."
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