WS>>Visiting Gore Calls Pennsylvania 'A Hellhole'

Sue Rojas suerojas at MINDSPRING.COM
Thu Oct 12 19:56:28 MDT 2000


hahahahahahahahaaa
oh, stop, sniff, ah, I'm crying. That is the funniest thing I've read in a
long time.  For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of living/visiting
Pennsy... Some of this is true. Mauch Chunk, later named Jim Thorpe is known
for having a high rate of incest born children.  Much of it is red neck
heaven. The Pocono region, although beautiful, is full of deer, bear and
good ole boys with no teeth. 3 cheers to the onion for uncovering this
"national treasure"
Sue
----- Original Message -----
From: "Richard A Whitenight" <rum.runner at JUNO.COM>
To: <RUSHTALK at hermes.csdco.com>
Sent: Monday, October 09, 2000 11:39 PM
Subject: Re: WS>>Visiting Gore Calls Pennsylvania 'A Hellhole'


> Now this is what I call excellent satire :-)
>
> On Mon, 9 Oct 2000 17:59:10 PDT carl william spitzer iv
> <cwsiv_2nd at JUNO.COM> writes:
> >           ALTOONA, PA--During a campaign stop at an Altoona paper
> >      mill Monday, presidential contender Al Gore launched into an
> >      unexpected 40-minute tirade against the "not-so-great  state
> >      of  Pennsylvania," calling it "the nation's armpit"  and  "a
> >      total hellhole."
> >
> >           "Over the past few days, I have traveled all over  your
> >      state and met many of you.   And what has impressed me  most
> >      is  that no matter where I have gone, my reaction  has  been
> >      the same: 'Oh, God, get me the fuck out of this dump,'" said
> >      Gore,  who alternately referred to the Keystone  State's  12
> >      million  residents as "animals" and "ghouls."  "From  Pitts-
> >      burgh  to Philadelphia, from Erie to Easton, the places  and
> >      faces  of Pennsylvania stand in direct opposition to  every-
> >      thing that makes America great."
> >
> >           Gore went on to tell the assembled mill workers that he
> >      "couldn't care less" if he loses Pennsylvania's 23 electoral
> >      votes, so long as he "never [has] to set foot in this steam-
> >      ing dungheap again."
> >
> >           Raising  his  voice  and pointing at  the  crowd,  Gore
> >      continued:  "During this presidential campaign, I  have  had
> >      the  opportunity to criss-cross this great land.    At  each
> >      stop along the way, I have been deeply touched by the  cour-
> >      age and conviction of the American people.   But, holy crap,
> >      you  people  are craven, gutless cowards.    I  haven't  the
> >      slightest  clue what base and hideous interests of  yours  I
> >      could  possibly  defend as your next president.   I  do  not
> >      even vaguely know what drives you subhuman pig-men, but I am
> >      sure I don't want to know."
> >
> >           Later in the day, Gore made an appearance at the Johns-
> >      town  Agriculture Fair, at which he served as judge  in  the
> >      Sorghum  Queen pageant.   The vice-president  was  overheard
> >      making  numerous inflammatory comments  off-microphone,  in-
> >      cluding,  "Get  these  bitches out of here"  and,  "This  is
> >      someone's  idea  of an attractive  woman?"  One  contestant,
> >      attempting  to  present Gore with a bushel  of  Pennsylvania
> >      apples, was reportedly waved aside with the words, "No.   No
> >      fucking way."
> >
> >           Gore concluded his day on the steps of the State  Capi-
> >      tol  in Harrisburg, where he lowered the Pennsylvania  flag,
> >      shredded it with a large hunting knife, and urinated on  the
> >      shreds.   He then delivered a speech in which he shared  the
> >      tales  of numerous Pennsylvanians he had encountered  during
> >      his travels through the state.
> >
> >           "Of all the stories I have heard on this trip, none has
> >      touched  me more deeply than that of Karen Swendeman of  New
> >      Castle," Gore said.   "At the young age of 18, Karen married
> >      her high-school sweetheart Jeff.   Not long after, she  gave
> >      birth to twins.   But less than a year later, her joy turned
> >      to  the  deepest  grief when Jeff was killed  in  a  foundry
> >      accident.    As young Karen looked into my eyes and  whined,
> >      'Oh, Mr.   Gore, I can't afford this, I can't afford  that,'
> >      I  felt my very gorge rising up the back of my  throat.    I
> >      mean, why do Pennsylvania's stupid broads go and get knocked
> >      up like that?"
> >
> >           Continued  Gore: "I also recall Herman Eisler of  Ship-
> >      pensburg,  who  fought bravely in the Second World  War  and
> >      raised  a  family in a house he built  himself.    When  the
> >      Social  Security  Administration failed  Herman--because,  I
> >      don't  know, he needed some pills or something and  couldn't
> >      get  them--he turned into a bitter, pathetic shell of a  man
> >      that no one could stand to be around.   What a loser."
> >
> >           "And,  finally, I recall Philadelphia's Martin  Shaugh-
> >      nessy, who, at the ripe old age of 98, has been Independence
> >      Hall's  caretaker for the past 60 years--the longest  anyone
> >      has  held the auspicious post," Gore said.    "And,  between
> >      you  and me, that old crank will talk for 10 hours  straight
> >      if  you  let him and not say anything that makes  any  sense
> >      whatsoever.   That dude is senile, big-time."
> >
> >           Added  Gore, "And what's the big deal with the  cheese-
> >      steak  sandwiches?  They taste like shit.   I wouldn't  feed
> >      them to the dogs they're probably made out of."
> >
> >           Turning to sneer derisively at members of the  Mononga-
> >      hela  Drum & Bugle Corps, whose 225 members stood nearby  on
> >      the  steps  of the capitol, Gore wrapped up the  verbal  as-
> >      sault.
> >
> >           "Every  second I spend in this dark and evil  state  is
> >      sheer agony," he said.   "A second feels like a week in  the
> >      presence  of you monstrous non-people.   I would  have  left
> >      Pennsylvania  long ago, but I wanted every last one  of  you
> >      grubby, ass-faced animals to realize exactly where you stand
> >      in the food chain.   You are not a part of that chain.   You
> >      exist  outside of the human community, and when I am in  the
> >      White House, I will make sure that the whole nation--indeed,
> >      the world--understands that fact with no ambiguity.   I will
> >      not  represent you.   I will not defend you.   I will  allow
> >      and even invite any nation to invade and destroy this horri-
> >      ble  graveyard of the soul.   To hell with all of  you,  and
> >      good riddance."
> >
> >
> >           )  Copyright  2000 Onion, Inc.,  All  rights  reserved.
> >      http://www.theonion.com/  Ad  Info | Copyright  )  Copyright
> >      2000 Onion, Inc., All rights reserved.
> >
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