Late night zingers..

wbwhite wbwhite at MADBBS.COM
Mon Dec 3 14:11:24 MST 2001


"Somebody said, 'What good will it do to kill Osama bin Laden?' I
said, 'I don't know, let's find out.'" -Don Imus

"CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're number
three." -David Letterman

"The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters or packages
that have badly misspelled words.  Man, this is going to be terrible
news
for the rap industry." -Jay Leno

"President Bush very angry at members of Congress today ... Boy we
have a strange country - military secrets all over TV, the only
information
we can't find out - who won an Emmy." -Jay Leno

"Last night the Taliban offered to release eight Westerners if the
U.S. promised not to attack. The State Department declined but thanked
the
Taliban for the offer, saying it really felt good to laugh again."
-Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"President Bush continues to have the highest popularity rating of any
president ever, current rating 130 percent. ... In fact, Al Gore
carries in his wallet a picture of him and Bush at the debates and says,
'Yeah, I
know him. We used to hang out.'" -Jay Leno

"Today President Bush urged all Americans to be patient with the war
on terrorism. I think we're pretty patient. Election day took what,
three
months?" -Jay Leno

"New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani is lobbying now to stay in office
another three months. And today Clinton said, 'You can do that?'"  -Jay
Leno

"Today in New York, we had the primary elections for mayor. To improve
their chances, all five candidates changed their name to Rudy Giuliani."

-Conan O'Brien

"People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the airport,but
let's be honest. If you first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn't
Ali,
leave a little extra time." -Jay Leno

"Do you remember the good ol' days when Congress was only unsafe if
you were an intern." -David Letterman

"The big question now is who will take power in Afghanistan once the
Taliban is defeated. I was thinking, how about Al Gore? He's not doing
anything, he needs a job, and he's already got the beard." -Jay Leno

"Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in
this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder."  -Jay
Leno

"Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning that Publishers
clearinghouse is sending packets of laundry detergent that could be
mistaken for anthrax. Oh, good timing. What genius came up with this
promotion? What's next - a ticking alarm clock? Let's put that in abox."

- Jay Leno

"The Mirror interviewed one of Osama bin Laden's sons and said bin
Laden has 42 children. That's going to happen when you sleep in a
different cave
every night." -Jay Leno

"Eleven members of the Washington Redskins Monday were exposed to a
mysterious white powder they had never seen before - the end zone."-Jay
Leno

"In Pakistan anti-American protestors set a Kentucky Fried Chicken
restaurant on fire. The protestors mistaken-thought they were
attacking high-ranking U.S. military official Colonel Sanders." -Jimmy
Fallon on
Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Time
Square now are demanding two forms of fake  ID." -David Letterman

"President Bush has urged people to get back to normal and today
Congress announced that they are accepting bribes again." -Jay Leno

"Clinton and Dole are joining forces to raise $100 million in
scholarship money for the families of the victims. But you know who also
deserves
a pat on the back, Elizabeth Dole. Her husband is on Viagra and he's
gone on
the road with Bill Clinton - that is one trusting woman."  -Jay Leno

"It's a tough time to do humor, but it's not the only tough time.
There have been other tough stretches in comedy. Remember a couple of
years ago
when President Clinton stopped dating for a couple of weeks?" -Jay Leno

"Now this really annoys me; all these people getting on the Internet
and saying Nostradamus predicted this. If Nostradamus were alive today
his
name would be Miss Cleo and he'd be charging $2.99 a minute." -Jay Leno

"People are being much, much nicer to each other in New York. And I
have to be honest, it's kind of weird. The other night at Shea Stadium,
instead of yelling 'You suck!' at the Braves, Mets fans were yelling,
'Others
are better than you!'" -Conan O'Brien

"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three
words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll
get
his money, he'll be dead in a week." -Jay Leno



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