From Elsewhere (Caution: Language)

John A. Quayle blueoval at SGI.NET
Wed Apr 30 20:58:35 MDT 2003

[Folks: the writer of the following piece is an American citizen, living 
Doha, Qatar. He shows justified contempt to Jacques Chirac in this piece. I 
thought he nailed it. - JAQ]

An Open Letter to President Jacques Chiraq

Dear Jack,

         'm an American. And as an American, there are some things I want 
to get off my chest. Colin Powell would probably make this sound all nice 
and fancy, but I'm not a diplomat, as the next few paragraphs will make 
painfully clear to you.

         I don't like you very much, Jack. I don't like you, your 
government or your country. I think as allies go you make a passable enemy. 
You sure as shootin' could never be mistaken as a friend. Not to put a fine 
point on it, you suck as a country. You're a president of a bunch of 
losers. You're wine is too expensive and the quality is too low. Your 
cheeses smell and taste like vomit. Your people are rude, ungrateful, surly 
and snotty. Your language is dying. You've made no real substantive 
contribution to the world community in close to a century.

         And yet you want the world to believe that you're relevant. That 
you're a world power, a force to be reckoned with. Yeah, right. Pull the 
other one, it's got bells on.

         I think I understand why you idiots do nuclear tests in the 
Pacific. It's just to remind yourselves that you're supposedly a 
superpower. Well, you may have many megatons of firepower, but you're not a 
superpower. Y'see, a superpower actually WINS from time to time. That 
description doesn't quite apply to you, though, does it? I mean, let's face 
it, if Paris was invaded by three small kittens, there'd be a sea of hairy 
armpits (of both genders) waving gently in the fetid breeze. You'd be 
ripping off the red and the blue portions of your flag so that you could 
wave the remainder in the air.

         You've been helping an old and dear friend of yours these past 
several years. A good friend, to whom you supplied a nuclear plant. I know 
it must have galled you (pun intended) to have the Israelis blow up that 
nifty bit of real estate, but they knew that Iraq would build nukes with 
it. And so did you. But you didn't care, as long as there was a franc to be 
made, right? And that attitude carried over for many years to come.

         Remember Gulf War I? YOU were the one who stopped the UN Coalition 
from going forward and taking out Saddam Hussein. Why? Well, he was a 
friend of yours. And you wanted to keep him in power. Did you care that he 
would slaughter tens of thousands of his own people? Naaaaa! You knew he's 
still buy your weapons, and he knew you'd still buy his oil. You knew that 
the money he gave you was really meant for food and medicine for his 
people, but you needed that cash more than they needed their lives, right?

         And then came 9/11. Oh, you said some small words of comfort, but 
that's all they were. Small words. From a small man. But you still 
supported a terrorist, who ran a terrorist nation, and supported terrorist 
cells. Including the one that murdered THREE THOUSAND of our own people on 
our own soil. And you said that you supported the United States, and that 
you were our friend.


         You agreed to UN Resolution 1441. Remember? You should, you voted 
for it. It gave Iraq one last chance to disarm. Besides the other 16 “last 
chances” to disarm, of course. Colin Powell negotiated with you jerks for 
over a month and a half. But you signed on the dotted line.

         And Hans Blix, who I am quite sure has all the visual acuity of 
Ray Charles with a blindfold on, still was able to tell you that Iraq was 
not complying with UN Res. 1441. And what was going to happen if Iraq 
DIDN’T comply with 1441? It wasn’t in any find print, Jacko, it was right 
out in the open. You don’t comply, we MAKE you comply. Militarily.

         Suddenly, you seemed to forget what you signed. You also seemed to 
forget who your real friends are. The ones that saved your sorry butts and 
dragged you out of two world wars. The ones that had more guts than you 
did, and didn’t bend over and grab their ankles as you did when Hitler 
drove up the Champs Élysees, but instead kicked them out of your sorry 
excuse for a nation at the cost of tens of thousand American and British 

         No, you wanted to flex your flabby muscles, so you started 
backstabbing the US. You went to African countries on the Security Council 
and started to strong-arm them. You told your new Euro-neighbours to shut 
up, and included a veiled threat that they wouldn’t be welcome in “your” 
Europe. You gave aid and comfort to Iraq during this time as well. You 
provided them with the names of some good assassins, with military 
intelligence that would compromise US/Coalition safety and lives, and you 
kept selling them weapons.


         Because you were afraid of losing all those lucrative oil 
contracts. $60 BILLION, wasn’t it? And you didn’t want your friends to see 
just how far up your nether regions your old buddy Saddam was ensconced

         Well, we’re finding out now. And what we’re finding proves to 
Americans just how squamulose you scum-sucking lowlife frog bastards truly are.

         I know that President Bush still thinks you guys can be trusted. 
And loathe as I am to disagree with him, in this case he’s wrong. You’ve 
proven yourself unworthy. You can’t be trusted. You can’t be believed. You 
can’t be dealt with.

         So here’s what is going to happen. And trust me, you’re not going 
to like it.

         Right now, there’s a boycott going on of French products, goods 
and services. I’m sending this to my elected representatives in United 
States Congress, and asking them to expand this to a governmental level. I 
want to see ALL trade with your country stopped. You’ll probably stop 
trading with us as well. That’s your choice. But considering that you buy a 
lot more of our products then we by of yours, I’d guess that this will 
sting a bit.

         But there’s more.

         I’m also going to ask my congressmen and senators to bring back 
all of the US servicemen buried in your country. They are heroes, and they 
don’t deserve to be cradled in ground as unhallowed as you have made it.

         I’m going to recommend that the US immediately increase the 
tariffs on all French imports to 1,000% of the retail price.

         I’m going to recommend that all US Embassies and Consulates in 
your country be closed, and that all diplomatic relations cease forthwith. 
You want to talk to us? Call a third party. But don't expect us to answer 
you, except in sentences that end in the phrase “and the horse you rode in 
on”. I'm also going to recommend that your Ambassador and consular staff be 
booted out of here. Preferably at gunpoint. Preferably naked. Preferably 
down the middle of the street, so folks can laugh and point at your 
people’s “inadequacies”

         I’m going to recommend that all current military, trade and 
cultural agreements with your country cease.

         I’m going to recommend that you be booted out of NATO. And if 
you’re not, the US will dissolve NATO.

[Note: The dissolution of NATO should happen regardless! - JAQ]

         I'm going to recommend that the US pull out of the United Nations. 
Barring that, I'm going to suggest that France be removed from the Security 
Council as a permanent member, and have their veto power stripped.

         And if you attempt to retaliate in any military fashion 
whatsoever, I’m going to recommend that we do to you what we did to Saddam.

         You've marginalized yourself and your country, Jack. You've 
angered a country that was your best friend and your greatest defender 
(please note the past tense here). You've sided with the terrorists. You've 
harmed the innocent.

         You've screwed up big time. And now you’re going to pay for your 
lack of judgement. I’d end this by suggesting you go to hell, but you’re 
already in Paris, which is close enough.

Get bent,

Doc Farmer
Doha, Qatar

p.s. va te faire foutre et le cheval que vous êtes monté dedans dessus  
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