New Hollyweird Oath
John A. Quayle
blueoval at SGI.NET
Mon Feb 3 14:39:16 MST 2003
Hypocritic Oath for Hollywood Movie Stars and Neo-liberals.
I swear an oath on my honor as a hypocrite that...
I will cuss cows but eat beef; blast miners but wear jewelry, and drive a
car but condemn oil companies. I do not want trees cut for any purpose
other than to provide the lumber for my next house.
As a Hollywood celebrity, I assert my God given right to sire at least four
children by three different wives and then protest about overpopulation in
I will put fish first by saving the sucker and salmon, but not the farmers
and ranchers who feed me. I demand that politicians and federal judges in
Washington, DC, save all endangered species, except the small businessman.
I feel that government is imminently qualified to micromanage nature.
After all, look at the smashing job they have done with the IRS, EPA, USDA,
FBI, BLM, FDA, and assorted other alphabet agencies.
As a self-righteous hypocrite, it is my duty to celebrate Earth Day with
barbecues and parades, and by leaving tons of trash behind. I demand that
feedlots and farms stop polluting our ground water. That privilege should
be preserved for me every time I flush the contents of my toilet into a
septic tank or the ocean.
I want to relocate grizzly bears and wolves to the West but not in my big
city backyard. After all, people live here! I give my permission for
mountains lions to eat lambs, but if a lion eats my dog or cat, I demand
the abominable beast be shot on sight.
I will cuss oil companies on talk radio and stand in the way of their
drilling more wells, while I am sitting in my gas guzzling SUV with the
engine running. I will write letters to the editor on my computer, as I
castigate utility companies for not providing enough electricity. At the
same time, I will send money to green groups who want to tear down
hydroelectric dams and stand in the way of any new power producing projects.
I avow that, at the next cocktail party I attend while I am smoking a
cigarette and sipping a martini, I will sue the tobacco companies for
causing my lung cancer.
Although I have never personally milked a cow or grown vegetables in a
garden, I demand to have a say on how farmers and ranchers do it.
As a pompous hypocrite, I demand that water, herbicides, and pesticides be
taken away from farmers immediately, but I do not want it to effect the
price, quantity, nor quality of the food I buy in the store. It is my
strongly held conviction that we should ban all pesticides, except the can
of bug spray I use to kill ants and other unwanted bugs in my home.
As a mealy-mouthed hypocrite, I vow to help stop global warming by watching
the Discovery Channel on my giant-sized television in my air-conditioned house.
I assert that cattle pooping on our nation's grasslands is a national
disgrace; however, I fertilize my urban lawn with steer manure and urea
because it is simply good ecology. I will complain about fertilizer runoff
from farms but not from golf courses, because I happen to be a golfer.
I will hound hunters in the woods because they use guns, despite the fact
that habitat and wildlife numbers have increased. I demand that the
government end all timber cutting or recovery in our national forests, but
I will cry like a singed coyote if the feds allow wildfires to burn near my
As a card-carrying hypocrite, I disavow the use of fur, leather, wool, and
all animal byproducts, except the ones used in medicines to save my life.
I demand labels be placed on all food products but not on a rock album that
endorses killing cops.
Finally, as an arrogant and self-serving hypocrite, I firmly believe that
rural folks have done a terrible job of taking care of the countryside.
They must do a better job because that's where I want to live or visit the
day when I escape the pollution, crime, and insanity of the barren big city
in which I currently reside.
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