New Hollyweird Oath
wbwhite at MADBBS.COM
Tue Feb 4 09:25:59 MST 2003
It's a keeper, John. Thanks
"John A. Quayle" wrote:
> Hypocritic Oath for Hollywood Movie Stars and Neo-liberals.
> I swear an oath on my honor as a hypocrite that...
> I will cuss cows but eat beef; blast miners but wear jewelry, and
> drive a car but condemn oil companies. I do not want trees cut for
> any purpose other than to provide the lumber for my next house.
> As a Hollywood celebrity, I assert my God given right to sire at least
> four children by three different wives and then protest about
> overpopulation in the world.
> I will put fish first by saving the sucker and salmon, but not the
> farmers and ranchers who feed me. I demand that politicians and
> federal judges in Washington, DC, save all endangered species, except
> the small businessman.
> I feel that government is imminently qualified to micromanage nature.
> After all, look at the smashing job they have done with the IRS, EPA,
> USDA, FBI, BLM, FDA, and assorted other alphabet agencies.
> As a self-righteous hypocrite, it is my duty to celebrate Earth Day
> with barbecues and parades, and by leaving tons of trash behind. I
> demand that feedlots and farms stop polluting our ground water. That
> privilege should be preserved for me every time I flush the contents
> of my toilet into a septic tank or the ocean.
> I want to relocate grizzly bears and wolves to the West but not in my
> big city backyard. After all, people live here! I give my permission
> for mountains lions to eat lambs, but if a lion eats my dog or cat, I
> demand the abominable beast be shot on sight.
> I will cuss oil companies on talk radio and stand in the way of their
> drilling more wells, while I am sitting in my gas guzzling SUV with
> the engine running. I will write letters to the editor on my
> computer, as I castigate utility companies for not providing enough
> electricity. At the same time, I will send money to green groups who
> want to tear down hydroelectric dams and stand in the way of any new
> power producing projects.
> I avow that, at the next cocktail party I attend while I am smoking a
> cigarette and sipping a martini, I will sue the tobacco companies for
> causing my lung cancer.
> Although I have never personally milked a cow or grown vegetables in a
> garden, I demand to have a say on how farmers and ranchers do it.
> As a pompous hypocrite, I demand that water, herbicides, and
> pesticides be taken away from farmers immediately, but I do not want
> it to effect the price, quantity, nor quality of the food I buy in the
> store. It is my strongly held conviction that we should ban all
> pesticides, except the can of bug spray I use to kill ants and other
> unwanted bugs in my home.
> As a mealy-mouthed hypocrite, I vow to help stop global warming by
> watching the Discovery Channel on my giant-sized television in my
> air-conditioned house.
> I assert that cattle pooping on our nation's grasslands is a national
> disgrace; however, I fertilize my urban lawn with steer manure and
> urea because it is simply good ecology. I will complain about
> fertilizer runoff from farms but not from golf courses, because I
> happen to be a golfer.
> I will hound hunters in the woods because they use guns, despite the
> fact that habitat and wildlife numbers have increased. I demand that
> the government end all timber cutting or recovery in our national
> forests, but I will cry like a singed coyote if the feds allow
> wildfires to burn near my house.
> As a card-carrying hypocrite, I disavow the use of fur, leather, wool,
> and all animal byproducts, except the ones used in medicines to save
> my life.
> I demand labels be placed on all food products but not on a rock album
> that endorses killing cops.
> Finally, as an arrogant and self-serving hypocrite, I firmly believe
> that rural folks have done a terrible job of taking care of the
> They must do a better job because that's where I want to live or visit
> the day when I escape the pollution, crime, and insanity of the barren
> big city in which I currently reside.
> AUTHOR UNKNOWN
> Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free.
> Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com).
> Version: 6.0.445 / Virus Database: 250 - Release Date: 1/21/2003
-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
More information about the Rushtalk