From My Daughter - France's Complete Military History.....
John A. Quayle
blueoval at SGI.NET
Sun Feb 23 12:01:44 MST 2003
>The Complete Military History of France
>- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000
years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
>- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic
who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's
armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
>- Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever
lose two wars when fighting Italians.
>- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
>- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages
to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other
participants started ignoring her.
>- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
>- The Dutch War - Tied
>- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles
the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
>- War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French
their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
>- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to
future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw
far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to
the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most
of the fighting."
>- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was
>- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a
British footwear designer.
>- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk
Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
>- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the
United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not
only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly,
widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in
the French bloodline.
>- World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States
and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
>- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with
the Dien Bien Flu
>- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western
army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the
First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is
identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English,
Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
>- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history,
surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to
Vietnamese ambassador, fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
>The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should
not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France
>"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an
accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."
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