GCF: Martha Stewart Thanksgiving (NOT!)

carl william spitzer iv cwsiv_2nd at JUNO.COM
Thu Nov 27 12:58:05 MST 2003

GCF: Martha Stewart Thanksgiving (NOT!)

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling
you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be
I've made a few small changes:

1. Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag
luminaries.  After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how
done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming

2. Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated

with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make.
Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them
track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard.  The mud was their

3. The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy
or crystal goblets.  If possible, we will use dishes that match and
everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain
using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last

4. Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that
promised.  Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration
hand-crafted from the finest construction paper.  The artist assures me
is a turkey.

5. We will be dining fashionably late.  The children will entertain you
while you wait.  I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice
I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey
hotline.  Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00
a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut
diamonds.  As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a
recording of tribal drumming.  If the children should mention that I
own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds
suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them.  They
are lying.

6. We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the

start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method.
We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke
alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In
spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table
in a separate room ... next door.

7. Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey
front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at

our dinner.  For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private
ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances,
enter the kitchen to laugh at me.  Do not send small, unsuspecting
to check on my progress.  I have an electric knife.  The turkey is
unarmed.  It stands to reason that I will eventually win.  When I do, we
will eat.

8. I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that
"passing the rolls" is not a football play.  Nor is it a request to bean
your sister in the head with warm tasty bread.

9.  Oh, and one reminder for the adults:  For the duration of the meal,
especially while in the presence of you diners, we will refer to the
gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce.  If a young diner questions

you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance.
Sauce stains.

10. Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a
among 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the
pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You
still have a choice; take it or leave it.

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving.  She
won't come next year either.  I am thankful.

              _  _____________________________________  _
             / )|        Thomas S. Ellsworth          |( \
            / / |        tellswor at slonet.org          | \ \
          _( (_ |   http://www.slonet.org/~tellswor   | _) )_
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