Tuesday Smarts

John A. Quayle blueoval at 1SMARTISP.NET
Mon Apr 26 22:54:07 MDT 2004

More words of wisdom for your Tuesday morning, courtesy of comic Stephen
Wright.............say, some of these would look really good in a sig line...

1) I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
         (sounds like Jimmy Carter and/or Bill Clinton, doesn't it?)

2) Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
3) Half the people you know are below average.
4) 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5) 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6) A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
         (note to Clinton, you missed this lecture in third grade)

7) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8) If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9) All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10) The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11) I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
12) OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13) How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14) If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
15) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16) When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17) Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18) Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19) I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
20) If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22) What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23) My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
horn louder."
24) Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25) If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26) A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27) Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28) The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
30) The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31) The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32) Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
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