O'Rourke Is The New Dave Barry.................
blueoval at 1SMARTISP.NET
Wed Jan 26 16:46:16 MST 2005
Hard to believe, but P.J. O'Rourke used to be a flaming liberal
and 30 years ago, wrote a regular column for "Rolling Stone"
PJ O'Rourke- An Alternative Inaugural Address
The Weekly Standard | 1/24/2005 | PJ O'Rourke
Posted on 01/24/2005 2:50:14 PM EST by AVatian
An Alternative Inaugural Address From the January 24, 2005 issue:
What if George W. Bush weren't a compassionate conservative . . .
by P.J. O'Rourke 01/24/2005, Volume 010, Issue 18
MY FELLOW AMERICANS, I had intended to reach out to all of you and
bring a divided nation together. But I changed my mind. America
isn't divided by political ethos or ethnic origin. America isn't
divided by region or religion. America is divided by jerks. Who
wants to bring a bunch of jerks together with the rest of us? Let
them stew in Berkeley, Boston, and Ann Arbor.
The media say that I won the election on the strength of moral
values. If the other fellow had become president, would the media
have said that he won the election on the strength of immoral
values? For once the media would have been right.
We are all sinners. But jerks revel in their sins. You can tell by
their reaction to the Ten Commandments. Post those Ten
Commandments in a courthouse or a statehouse, in a public school
or a public park, and the jerks go crazy. Why is that? Christians
believe in the Ten Commandments. So do Muslims. Jews, too,
obviously. Show the Ten Commandments to Hindus, Buddhists,
Confucians, or to people with just good will and common sense and
nobody says, "Whoa! That's all wrong!"
But jerks take issue with every one of the Ten Commandments. Jerks
are particularly offended by the first two Commandments. Of course
people of faith, decent people, differ on interpretations of the
first two Commandments. For example, we don't all agree about the
meaning of "Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image."
However, we do all agree about "Thou shalt not bow down thyself to
them" when them is Freud, Marx, and Dan Rather.
"Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain." How
many times, over the last few months, have we heard, "Ohmigod,
ohmigod, ohmigod, I can't believe George Bush won"?
"Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy." Let's be fair about
this. We did see a lot of white, non-Hispanic Democrats in
churches in 2004. But they were all running for president. And the
churches were inner-city black churches. I happen to know that
there are churches in the white, non-Hispanic suburbs where these
Democrats live. Apparently jerks can't find them.
"Honor thy father and thy mother." Are telling lies about a
bankrupt Social Security system and trying to block its
privatization reform ways to do this?
"Thou shalt not kill." Why, in the opinion of jerks, is it wrong
to kill a baby but all right to kill a baby that's so little he
hasn't been born yet? And why do the same jerks who favor abortion
oppose the death penalty? We can imagine people so full of loving
kindness that they can accept neither the abortionist nor the
executioner. We can even imagine people so cold-hearted that they
embrace them both. But it takes a real jerk to argue in favor of
killing perfect innocents and letting Terry Nichols live.
"Thou shalt not commit adultery." The jerks have begun praising
marriage lately. But only if the bride and groom each have a
"Thou shalt not steal." In 2004 the United States government spent
$2,318,800,000,000. Thus every American benefited from $7,919.37
worth of federal services. Let me ask the jerks something. Say
you're average jerks, a "blended family" of four. Did you pay
$31,677.48 in taxes last year? If you didn't, you took things from
other Americans. What did you give in return?
"Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor."
Especially not in return for vast wealth, abundant prizes, and
lavish praise from fellow jerks. I'm talking to you, Michael
And then there is the Tenth Commandment. "Thou shalt not covet thy
neighbor's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, nor
his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor
anything that is thy neighbor's." The Ten Commandments are God's
basic rules about how we should live--a brief list of sacred
obligations and solemn moral precepts. The first nine Commandments
concern theological principles and social law. But then, right at
the end, is "Don't envy your buddy's cow." How did that make the
top ten? What's it doing there? Why would God, with just ten
things to tell Moses, choose as one of those things jealousy about
the starter mansion with in-ground pool next door?
Yet think how important the Tenth Commandment is to a community,
to a nation, indeed to a presidential election. If you want a
mule, if you want a pot roast, if you want a cleaning lady, don't
be a jerk and whine about what the people across the street
have--go get your own.
The Tenth Commandment sends a message to all the jerks who want
redistribution of wealth, higher taxes, more government programs,
more government regulation, more government, less free enterprise,
and less freedom. And the message is clear and concise: Go to
P.J. O'Rourke is a contributing editor to The Weekly Standard and
author, most recently, of Peace Kills (Atlantic Monthly Press).
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