Did you get one of these?

William White wbbanjo at YAHOO.COM
Thu Jul 27 21:51:12 MDT 2006


A real riot.  That is more fun than a human being ought to have.
   
  Bill

John Quayle <blueoval57 at VERIZON.NET> wrote:
           Jim, if you're gonna tweak with their minds, go whole hog..................use some of these or make up your own.

At 01:57 AM 7/27/2006, Jim wrote:
  Now for the good part.  I'll show you some of the questions.  This is one of those fill in the squares with a pencil deal.  Some of the questions have 12 answers.

What is my sex?
         Too infrequent.....................let's roll that exclusive ESPN  footage............

  What is my age?
         Between 21 and 100, according to the my local DMV.........

  What is my date of birth?
         I wasn't dating that early in life..............

  If there are more than one person living here everyone else would be asked how they're related to me.
         I owe them gambling debts.........

  What is my marital status?
         Ready, willing and able...............

  Is this person Spanish, Hispanic or Latino? Note it doesn't ask if this person is here legally.
         All three, in fact...............

  What is my race?
         The annual 5k run through Scottsdale................

  I get a couple dozen answers to choose from. If one doesn't fit, they want me to print the right one.
         Print it on your CPU and printer, using a cursive font...............

  Then they want to know what kind of home I live in.  
         One with four walls and a roof...................

  My choices are mobile home, detached house, house attached to one or more houses, or an apartment building. Then how many apartments are in this building.
         Dunno................ask the mice............
        

  Then I'm supposed to guess when the building was built. 
         Ask if you can saw the house in half - right through the center - and count the rings to determine its age. 

  I have several choices from 1939 or earlier to 2005 or later. Then they want to know when I moved in.
         When you needed a flophouse to recover from a three day crack binge. 

  Next they want to know how much land my home is on. 
         Tell 'em that you don't know.........you've never dug straight down deep enough to find out. 

  Get this. Next they want to know the actual sales from all agricultural products from this property. I'm given several choices ranging from 0 to $10,000 or more. 
         Ask them if the Afghan Poppy plants and pretty Columbian Mary-jane flowers count.............

  Is there a business on the property?
        No, you don't allow peddlers......

  How many rooms in this home?
         Unsure. Tell them you rotate between kitchen and bath, just to cover the biggest necessities of life. You've still not seen the rest of the bunker. 

  How many bedrooms?
         Just one......you sleep in the spacious trunk of an old, rusting hulk of a 1953 Studebaker Commando

  Do I have hot and cold running water, an indoor toilet and a tub or shower?
         Only on occasion.......you like to discipline yourself by limiting luxuries............

  Do I have a kitchen with a stove, fridge and sink?
         Yup, all neatly welded together - made from the scrap parts off a 1946 International Harvester S-120 pickup truck.

  Is phone service available here?
         Operator-assisted, 35-cents per minute, for the first minute and a half. Six bucks a minute beyond that point. 

  How many cars do I have?
         Matchbox, Hotwheels or Johnny Lightning? 

  What fuel is used heat my home.
         Cattle methane.......'nuff-said!

  What was my light bill last month.
         Tell them, no light bill......you have a dark Bill, instead.......goes by the last name of Guerrerro. 

  What was my gas bill.
         Cattle methane is free.........

  What was my water bill for the last 12 months.
         Nothing.................you get your water from a mountain stream (the kooky greenie-weenie government-types would be apoplectic at reading this!)

  How much did I spend for oil, coal, kerosene, or wood?
         Oh, but you never keep tabs during "Happy Hour"............

  Did I get food stamps in the last 12 months.
         No, but you got a free month's worth of hallucinogen-laced stamps in April. It was an early birthday present from a guy named "Slick Willie."

  What is my condominium fee?
         Tell them you always get free condominiums after every AIDS test, down at the neighborhood clinic.........lollipops, too. 

  What is my rent.
         Electric hand tools, mainly..................

  If I own my home, how much it's worth.
         Depends on how desperately you need some money for a fix. 

  What are the property taxes.
         You don't live in Taxes. You live in Arizona. 

  How much I spend on flood insurance.
         Depends on how much is left in the keg after everyone else leaves and you gotta drain it yourself - one mug at a time. 

  Do I own the home.
         Nah, it's a timeshare agreement with some gnomes and a burnout hippie troll. 

  How much is the mortgage payment.
         How many fingers are you holding aloft?

  Does the mortgage payment include property taxes.
         For the last time.......you live in Arizona, not Taxes.  You don't even own property in Taxes. 

  Does the mortgage payment include flood insurance.
         Don't need flood insurance.......you wear "Depends"..............

  Finally 7 pages into the dammed thing they ask if I'm a citizen.  
         Of course, but they must guess at what country you are a citizen of........

  They want to know how much education I've had. Once again they're asking my race or ethnic origin.

Then they want to know what language I speak at home. 
         You speak fluent capitalism.

  If I speak English they want to know how well I speak it.
         Ask if they wish to sign up for lessons..........


  Next they ask whether or not I lived here last year. Then they want to know if I have some sort of physical or mental handicap.
         You might've been liberal once, but you've since been Quinnoculated. 


  Questions 18 on page 8 asks if person 1 (me) has given birth to any children in the past 6 months. 
         Only under duress..............

Have A Wild Time,


John Q. 

 		
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