[Rushtalk] From SNL: It's Victoria Jackson, Everybody!

John A. Quayle blueoval57 at verizon.net
Wed Jan 2 00:27:38 MST 2013


<https://www.facebook.com/victoriajacksonI>Victoria Jackson
minutes ago ·


    12 Liberal Pledges for the New Year
        * Katie Kieffer
        * Here are twelve comical but true 
resolutions that every liberal should make for 2013:
        * 1.) Resolve to spend time with 
gun-owners. I have a liberal friend who says she 
would rather be in the same room as a cobra snake 
than a gun, even an unloaded gun. Guns really, 
really scare her. But guns don’t kill. People 
kill. Whether the tool is a gun or a knife or a 
baseball bat, unconscionable people kill, not the 
inanimate objects in their hands.
        * Banning all tools and machinery will 
not turn bad people into good people. Doing so 
would make us more vulnerable to attack and throw 
us back into the Stone Age. We need guns for 
self-defense; we need knives for cutting; we need bats to play baseball.
        * Whose house would you rather stay at in 
a shady neighborhood? A gun-owner’s house, where 
you can rest assured that there is a tool locked 
up in a safe that someone knows how to use to 
protect you if an intruder comes in the middle of 
the night? Or, a house without a gun?
        * By spending time around gun-owners, I 
think liberals will realize that owning a gun, a 
knife or a baseball bat will not turn you into a 
mass murderer. But a sick conscience or a mental illness can.
        * David Nathan, a doctoral candidate in 
counseling psychology at the University of Saint 
Thomas, points out: “No one has the power to keep 
guns away from everyone who would use them on 
innocent people. 
Every single young man who 
committed mass murder over the past few years had 
a mental illness. We will never know what would 
have happened if someone had reached out to them 
[with counseling or friendship] before they acted.”
        * I think liberals will realize that guns 
are tools of self-defense and that banning guns 
will not eliminate murder when they get 
comfortable around guns and the people who legally possess them.
        * 2.) Resolve to stop watching Rachel 
Maddow. Her negative attitude is ruining your day 
and you do not even realize it. At a minimum, 
admit that her show is rooted in hyperbole and not real news.
        * 3.) Resolve to eat a real hamburger. 
Just one. If you prefer, choose a burger from 
free-range cattle. I guarantee it won’t kill you; 
it will leave you feeling full for once.
        * 4.) Resolve to admit that the TSA 
scanners are carcinogenic. You attend to your 
body with bike helmets, yoga and organic produce. 
And then you negate your efforts by walking 
through the TSA scanners. Admit it: scanners are 
not keeping you safe and they are a hazard to your health.
        * 5.) Resolve to buy property. I don’t 
care if all you can afford is a plot the size of 
a doghouse. Buy some land and hold it. Experience 
ownership first-hand and you will finally get 
upset when the federal government tries to 
violate your Fourth Amendment rights through the use of domestic drones.
        * 6.) Resolve to travel to Europe. You’ll 
realize that public transportation is not all 
it’s cracked up to be. When you return home, you 
will have a new appreciation for wide, open 
spaces and the freedom to drive cars bigger than 
a Power Wheels Barbie Jammin’ Jeep Wrangler.

        * 7.) (For liberal ladies) Resolve to let 
a guy open a door for you. Accepting this small 
act of chivalry is actually empowering­not 
demeaning­because it shows that you appreciate respect from males.
        * 8.) (For liberal guys) Resolve to be a man. Enough said.
        * 9.) Resolve to protest a stupid rule. 
Men are imperfect and therefore human laws are 
not inherently good; the United States has many 
laws on the books that violate natural law. Only 
God can make perfect rules. So, before you 
blindly follow a federal law, ask yourself: “Will 
I be doing the right thing by following this 
rule?” If your answer is “no,” protest the rule because it is probably immoral.
        * 10.) Resolve to save endangered babies. 
Stop fretting about endangered animals in a 
rainforest thousands of miles away and realize 
that babies are endangered in your own back yard. 
Stop supporting federal funds for Planned 
Parenthood; encourage your friends to respect life.
        * 11.) Resolve to tell President Obama to 
bring the troops home. If you hate war so much, 
why don’t you pressure Obama to pull the troops out of the Middle East?
        * 12.) Resolve to read the Steve Jobs 
biography by Walter Isaacson. Jobs is your hero; 
you love Apple products; and you wouldn’t think 
of attending an Occupy Wall Street Protest 
without your iPad. But Jobs was a capitalist. He 
despised collectivism (see page 39) and he wanted 
politicians to reduce taxes and regulations and 
stop pushing the false notion that everyone needs 
a four-year college degree (see pages 544-546).
        * Happy 2013 to liberals one and all!

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