[Rushtalk] My Medical Appointment

Paf Dvorak notmyname at thatswaytoomuch.info
Sun Mar 3 15:00:40 MST 2013

My Medical Appointment

I visited a physician last week. It was a “new” 
doctor in the practice 
 a young lady (at MY age, 
EVERYBODY is “young” 
 when I was born, the Dead 
Sea wasn‘t even sick) who was quite enthusiastic. 
She was obviously a liberal by her dress & 
manner. I was thinking of hitting on her, but I 
don’t like the phrase, “You remind me of my grandfather.”

She asked me what was wrong, & I replied, “I have 
a cut on my leg; & I think it may be getting infected.”

She said, “Before we start, I have to ask you a 
few questions. Are you allergic to any medications?”

I replied, “No.”

She said, “Do you have any guns in the house?”

I said, “HUH?”

She replied, “Guns. Do you have any guns in the house?”

I asked, “Why?”

She said, “I’ve got to ask this question. It is 
required under the Affordable Care Act.”

I asked, “What are you going to do w/the data?”

She said, “We compile it, amalgamate it, & submit it to the government.”

I said, “Well, I have a Tommy Gun. I let my kid Tommy play w/it.”

She said, “What’s a Tommy Gun? I don‘t think that 
is the kind of gun they are concerned with.”

With THAT, I knew I had a live one. I said, “It’s 
similar to a B.A.R., but a little heavier & shorter. I have a B.A.R. also.”

She said, “A B.A.R.?”

I said, “Yes.”

She looked puzzled. Then she brightened up & 
asked, “Do you have any assault rifles?”

I attempted to look puzzled, & said, “I don’t know. What is an assault rifle?”

She said, “That’s a gun that is used in wars.”

I said, “As a matter of fact, I do. I have a 
replica of a Revolutionary War musket.”

She began to look a bit exasperated. I pretended 
not to notice & kept up the appearance of trying to be helpful.

She said, “Do you have anything more modern than that?”

I replied, “Well, yes, I do. I have a replica 
muzzle loader from the Civil War. Do you know the 
difference between a musket & a muzzle loader?”

She rather peevishly said, “No, I don’t; & I 
don’t want to. What else do you have?”

I said, “I have an M-1.”

She asked, “What’s that?”

I said, “A rifle.”

She asked, “What kind?”

I replied, “It is called a Garand.”

She rather loudly said, “I don’t care if it is a 
grand rifle or not. Is it an assault rifle?”

To which I replied, “I don’t know. I don’t know 
what an assault rifle is. You say it’s a rifle 
used in war, yet you say that my musket & muzzle 
loader are not assault rifles.”

She calmed down (a bit) & asked, “Anything else?”

I said, “I have an MG-.30, & an MG-.50. I‘m also 
part owner of an Apache. But they are not rifles.”

She stated, “Well, then, I’m not interested in them. Anything else.”

I replied, “Well, yes. I also have a 12-gauge & a 
20-gauge pump. They are not rifled tho.”

She said, “I’m not interested in pumps; I’m interested in guns.”

I replied, “Well, then, I have a Colt, a Luger, a 
Glock, a bazooka, a Parabellum, a Kalishnikov, a 
Henry, a Uzi, a Llama, & a Beretta 
 but they are not rifles.”

She then said, “I’ve had enough of this. I think 
you’re toying w/me. Let me see your leg.”

I then said, “Excuse me, but before you look at 
my leg, I have a few questions to ask of you.”

She replied, “Of course. What are they?”

I said, “I have given you a lot of information 
about my guns. I am somewhat concerned about your 
knowledge & ability to assimilate, make coherent 
sense of that information, & report it correctly. 
Do you know the difference between a .22 caliber 
& a .223 caliber? It’s a rather fundamental difference.”

She replied, “Actually, I don’t.”

I said, “I see. Let me ask some more relevant 
questions. ‘How much money do you make?’ ”

She said, “That’s personal, why do you ask?”

I said, “Well, in pushing the Health Care Act, my 
president cautioned the population about doctors 
that would amputate a leg rather than treat a cut 
because they make more money that way. 
Consequently, I wish to know if you are 
financially troubled. What kind of car do you 
drive? What are your house payments? How much is 
your mortgage? How much credit card debt do you 
have? Do you have a student loan; if so, how much?”

She said, “I’m not going to answer those 
questions. You have no right to ask them.”

I then asked, “Do you have training & education 
in homeopathic techniques? Do you know the 
benefits/effects of CoQ10, ginseng, fish oil, 
Creatine, BCAA, & other such herbal treatments? 
Do you know the difference between Panax ginseng, 
American ginseng, & Siberian ginseng?”

She replied, “Well, no.”

I then asked, ”Well, have you studied it at all?”

She replied rather defensively, “NO; it’s all a bunch of hogwash anyway.”

I said, “Oh, then you have read the research on it. What have you read?”

She then said, “I don’t waste my time reading 
such things. Why are you asking me these questions?”

I said, “Well, if I’m going to turn my body over 
to you for treatment, I believe it is reasonable 
for me to know something about your motivation, 
training, experience, & competence. Do you know 
anything about the practice of holistic medicine?”

She said, rather angrily “No, I don’t.”

I said, “Oh. OK How much experience do you have in practicing medicine?”

She replied, “Well, not very much.”

To which I said, “Well, we all have to start 
somewhere. What medical school did you go to; 
what is its rank in terms of other medical 
schools; where did you intern; & where did you do 
your residency? What is the rank of the hospital 
where you did your internship & residency?”

She rather peevishly said, “All my credentials are posted in the waiting room.”

To which I said, “Really? The rank of your 
medical school is posted in the waiting room? Do 
you have any experience w/leg injuries? If so, how much?”

I guess that was too much for her. She rather 
crossly said, “I think it would be best if you 
saw a different doctor.” & started to leave the room.

I said, “You know, doctor. You asked me 
irrelevant questions about my guns, & I answered 
them. Whether or not I own guns is really none of 
your business & has absolutely nothing to do 
w/any treatment you might prescribe. On the other 
hand, I ask you questions quite relevant to my 
situation, & you refuse to answer them. Isn’t that somewhat backwards?”

She said, “But I HAVE to ask those questions. It’s the law.”

To which I replied, “Actually, it is NOT the law. 
Here is what the law says 
 taken directly from the Affordable Care Act:”

& health promotion activity implemented under 
subsection (a)(1)(D) may not require the 
disclosure or collection of any information relating to ­
‘‘(A) the presence or storage of a 
lawfully-possessed firearm or ammunition in the 
residence or on the property of an individual; or
‘‘(B) the lawful use, possession, or storage of a 
firearm or ammunition by an individual.
authorities provided to the Secretary under the 
Patient Protection & Affordable Care Act or an 
amendment made by that Act shall be construed to 
authorize or may be used for the collection of any information relating to ­
‘‘(A) the lawful ownership or possession of a firearm or ammunition;
‘‘(B) the lawful use of a firearm or ammunition; or
‘‘(C) the lawful storage of a firearm or ammunition.

“You may verify this at: 

“As you can see, you have broken federal law 
 once by asking, & once by collecting 
data. It is perfectly legal for me to own guns; 
it is not legal for you to ask &/or collect such 
data. YOU are breaking the law, & yet YOU are the 
one that is angry. Not only that, but you 
erroneously stated that you must ask such 
questions, & you did it in a very authoritative & 
convincing manner. You gave me false information, 
which I then acted upon by answering your 
questions. On that basis, how can I be expected 
to trust your medical judgment? When I attempted 
to ascertain your medical competency, you became defensive & hostile.”

“There is really no need for me to see another 
doctor in this practice. I‘ll go somewhere else, 
where my privacy is respected, & I can trust the information I receive.”

Paf Dvorak

<http://thatswaytoomuch.info/>notmyname at thatswaytoomuch.info  
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