John A. Quayle
blueoval57 at verizon.net
Tue Oct 7 23:59:31 MDT 2014
The Magical Land of Progressitopia
Barber / 6 October 2014 /
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There once was a land, a magical land, with a
chicken in every pot. And in this land, which was
called Progressitopia, there were two peoples.
There were those who saw the world as it was, and
there were those who saw the world as they
oh-so-very-much wished it could be. The former
were called the Trads, and the latter, the Progs.
It was the Progs who held dominion over this
great land, and so it was they who wrote, or re-wrote, her history.
Now, in this kingdom we must remember that
Christianity, or Christianism as it would later
be called (long since forbidden), along with
similar such mythological and dogmatic phantasms,
remained the foremost, if not the sole, thorn in
the Progs collectivist butt. Any and all thought
or practice that might, in any way, undermine
full realization of, and strict adherence to,
progressive thinking was, therefore, strictly verboten.
In fact, the Trads, the traditionalist remnant,
had proven singularly responsible for the
famines, Civil War II and Progressitopias
endlessly spiraling state of affairs, both
foreign and domestic a state that,
notwithstanding all predictions to the contrary,
somehow became significantly and enigmatically
worse subsequent to the onset of progressive governance.
There was, however, one exception to this rule:
Islam. Shadowing the glorious dawn of progressive
reign came, from oer the sea, a mighty and
fearsome caliphate. The Muslim faith spread like
wildfire. Recruitment efforts were buoyed, and
appreciably so, in that, while yet a loving and
peaceful religion, any skeptic or infidel who
failed to convert was either immediately raped
and enslaved or summarily beheaded, stoned, shot or blown limb-from-limb.
Whereas Progressitopians, with their
one-child-only abortion mandate, stopped
reproducing altogether, adherents to the religion
of peace rutted like rabbits. Every corner of the
globe became thickly populated by devotees of the
most praised Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him.
As global violence and jihad spiked, it seemed
for a time that Progressitopia and the Islamic
caliphate would be one anothers undoing.
And then something extraordinary happened.
The King of Progressitopia, a brave and handsome
man most wise, with visor of gold and scepter of
3-iron in hand, bowed before the great caliph and
presented a series of official mea culpas on
behalf of his land. He prayed Allahs forgiveness
for incurring his wrath just desserts for
centuries of Progressitopian Imperialism.
And so these two seemingly incompatible kingdoms,
with wholly polarized worldviews, agreed to forge
an incongruous socio-political partnership an
Islamo-Progressive Alliance. The alliance was
built upon the maxim: The enemy of my enemy is
my friend. The common enemy, of course, had
formed its own unholy alliance: the Zio-Christian Axis of Evil.
And so it soon came to pass that independent
Islamic settlements cropped-up throughout
Progressitopia. The Michganistan Territory
became, for all intents and purposes, Mecca to the Western Hemisphere.
Presently, the Islamo-Progressive Alliance found
itself enjoying a comparatively peaceful
seven-year truce. Apart from a weekly handful of
suicide bombings, mass shootings and random
beheadings, carried out chiefly against
Progressitopias women and children, things were simply capital.
But then, trouble in paradise economic turmoil.
Toward the middle of the new millenniums third
decade, Progressitopias national debt ballooned
to over 60 trillion. For many years, Trad
economists and debt alarmists had warned that
Progressitopias skyrocketing debt and deficits
were unsustainable. These anti-progressive
thinkers openly questioned the progressive
strategy of taxing and spending ones way to prosperity.
They felt, irrationally so, that such approach
represented, as one provocative naysayer phrased
it, an epically stupid and patently impossible
self-contradiction. No more can one spend his way
out of debt than can he cheat his way out of adultery.
Another fundamentalist cynic offered a less
hurtful, yet no less sensationalist analogy:
When a bridges infrastructure becomes
unsustainable, he alleged, it will ultimately
collapse if its integrity is compromised to the
degree that it can no longer support some
burgeoning mass. So too it goes, apparently, as
relates integrity to politicians, governments and national debt.
Right-wing propaganda aside, Progressitopias
economy did, nonetheless, unexpectedly collapse
for reasons ultimately deemed inconclusive.
Now, as heretofore told, and as go the history
books, Christianism had, from time immemorial,
been the very bane of free-thinking humanitys
existence. This hateful mythology had been
largely to blame, in concert with its
sister-faith, Judaism, and its insufferable
cousin, conservatism, an equally curious mental
disorder, for all of the worlds wars, slavery,
racism, sexism, disease, capitalism, global
warming and, most onerously perhaps, gluten sensitivity.
Moreover, both Christianism and conservatism were
ultimately determined to have been the catalyst
for the systemic phobia outbreak that
inexplicably began around the turn of the
century. First there was homophobia, an
irrational, chronic and debilitating fear of the
square-hole-round-peg people, or, as this
flamboyant troupe, so enamored with acronymic
wordplay, preferred to be called: the SHRP
community. Since SHRPs displayed impeccable
fashion sense and a flair for the fabulous,
Neanderthalic Trads were, most naturally, terrified by them.
Then came Islamophobia, the irrational fear of
having ones head lopped off, followed by
transphobia, the fear of naked men in ladies
locker rooms, polyphobia, the fear of communal
rompathons, as well as an all-inclusive litany of
other phobias relating to myriad sexual
orientations, gender identities and expressions.
Next, there emerged the great progressiphobia
pandemic of 27. This involved an equally absurd,
though no less universal, fear of progressive
thought, practice or people. This, for a time,
threatened to halt Progressitopias progressing progress altogether.
Finally, there occurred a worldwide outbreak of
phobia-phobia. This was, of course, a condition
delineated by the once again irrational denial
that any of the aforementioned phobias had any
basis in reality whatsoever, but, rather, were
simply ham-fisted pejoratives intended to
marginalize ones political opposition.
But, alas, we must for now part ways. My gluten-free frittata grows cold.
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