[Rushtalk] "Progressitopia"

John A. Quayle blueoval57 at verizon.net
Tue Oct 7 23:59:31 MDT 2014

The Magical Land of Progressitopia

Barber / 6 October 2014 / 
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There once was a land, a magical land, with a 
chicken in every pot. And in this land, which was 
called Progressitopia, there were two peoples. 
There were those who saw the world as it was, and 
there were those who saw the world as they 
oh-so-very-much wished it could be. The former 
were called the Trads, and the latter, the Progs. 
It was the Progs who held dominion over this 
great land, and so it was they who wrote, or re-wrote, her history.

Now, in this kingdom we must remember that 
Christianity, or “Christianism” as it would later 
be called (long since forbidden), along with 
similar such mythological and dogmatic phantasms, 
remained the foremost, if not the sole, thorn in 
the Progs’ collectivist butt. Any and all thought 
or practice that might, in any way, undermine 
full realization of, and strict adherence to, 
progressive thinking was, therefore, strictly verboten.

In fact, the Trads, the traditionalist remnant, 
had proven singularly responsible for the 
famines, Civil War II and Progressitopia’s 
endlessly spiraling state of affairs, both 
foreign and domestic – a state that, 
notwithstanding all predictions to the contrary, 
somehow became significantly and enigmatically 
worse subsequent to the onset of progressive governance.

There was, however, one exception to this rule: 
Islam. Shadowing the glorious dawn of progressive 
reign came, from o’er the sea, a mighty and 
fearsome caliphate. The Muslim faith spread like 
wildfire. Recruitment efforts were buoyed, and 
appreciably so, in that, while yet a loving and 
peaceful religion, any skeptic or “infidel” who 
failed to convert was either immediately raped 
and enslaved or summarily beheaded, stoned, shot or blown limb-from-limb.

Whereas Progressitopians, with their 
one-child-only abortion mandate, stopped 
reproducing altogether, adherents to the religion 
of peace rutted like rabbits. Every corner of the 
globe became thickly populated by devotees of the 
most praised Prophet Muhammad – peace be upon him.

As global violence and jihad spiked, it seemed 
for a time that Progressitopia and the Islamic 
caliphate would be one another’s undoing.

And then something extraordinary happened.

The King of Progressitopia, a brave and handsome 
man most wise, with visor of gold and scepter of 
3-iron in hand, bowed before the great caliph and 
presented a series of official mea culpas on 
behalf of his land. He prayed Allah’s forgiveness 
for incurring his wrath – just desserts for 
centuries of Progressitopian Imperialism.

And so these two seemingly incompatible kingdoms, 
with wholly polarized worldviews, agreed to forge 
an incongruous socio-political partnership – an 
“Islamo-Progressive Alliance.” The alliance was 
built upon the maxim: “The enemy of my enemy is 
my friend.” The common enemy, of course, had 
formed its own unholy alliance: the “Zio-Christian Axis of Evil.”

And so it soon came to pass that independent 
Islamic settlements cropped-up throughout 
Progressitopia. The Michganistan Territory 
became, for all intents and purposes, Mecca to the Western Hemisphere.

Presently, the Islamo-Progressive Alliance found 
itself enjoying a comparatively peaceful 
seven-year truce. Apart from a weekly handful of 
suicide bombings, mass shootings and random 
beheadings, carried out chiefly against 
Progressitopia’s women and children, things were simply capital.

But then, trouble in paradise – economic turmoil. 
Toward the middle of the new millennium’s third 
decade, Progressitopia’s national debt ballooned 
to over 60 trillion. For many years, Trad 
economists and “debt alarmists” had warned that 
Progressitopia’s skyrocketing debt and deficits 
were unsustainable. These anti-progressive 
thinkers openly questioned the progressive 
strategy of taxing and spending one’s way to prosperity.

They felt, irrationally so, that such approach 
represented, as one provocative naysayer phrased 
it, “an epically stupid and patently impossible 
self-contradiction. No more can one spend his way 
out of debt than can he cheat his way out of adultery.”

Another fundamentalist cynic offered a less 
hurtful, yet no less sensationalist analogy: 
“When a bridge’s infrastructure becomes 
unsustainable,” he alleged, “it will ultimately 
collapse if its integrity is compromised to the 
degree that it can no longer support some 
burgeoning mass. So too it goes, apparently, as 
relates integrity to politicians, governments and national debt.”

Right-wing propaganda aside, Progressitopia’s 
economy did, nonetheless, unexpectedly collapse 
for reasons ultimately deemed inconclusive.

Now, as heretofore told, and as go the history 
books, Christianism had, from time immemorial, 
been the very bane of free-thinking humanity’s 
existence. This hateful mythology had been 
largely to blame, in concert with its 
sister-faith, Judaism, and its insufferable 
cousin, conservatism, an equally curious mental 
disorder, for all of the world’s wars, slavery, 
racism, sexism, disease, capitalism, global 
warming and, most onerously perhaps, gluten sensitivity.

Moreover, both Christianism and conservatism were 
ultimately determined to have been the catalyst 
for the systemic phobia outbreak that 
inexplicably began around the turn of the 
century. First there was homophobia, an 
irrational, chronic and debilitating fear of the 
square-hole-round-peg people, or, as this 
flamboyant troupe, so enamored with acronymic 
wordplay, preferred to be called: the “SHRP 
community.” Since SHRPs displayed impeccable 
fashion sense and a flair for the fabulous, 
Neanderthalic Trads were, most naturally, terrified by them.

Then came Islamophobia, the irrational fear of 
having one’s head lopped off, followed by 
transphobia, the fear of naked men in ladies’ 
locker rooms, polyphobia, the fear of communal 
rompathons, as well as an all-inclusive litany of 
other phobias relating to myriad sexual 
orientations, gender identities and expressions.

Next, there emerged the great progressiphobia 
pandemic of ’27. This involved an equally absurd, 
though no less universal, fear of progressive 
thought, practice or people. This, for a time, 
threatened to halt Progressitopia’s progressing progress altogether.

Finally, there occurred a worldwide outbreak of 
phobia-phobia. This was, of course, a condition 
delineated by the once again irrational denial 
that any of the aforementioned phobias had “any 
basis in reality whatsoever,” but, rather, were 
“simply ham-fisted pejoratives intended to 
marginalize one’s political opposition.”

But, alas, we must for now part ways. My gluten-free frittata grows cold.

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